Typical situations are considered by Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You,” psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships.
“A woman’s emotional decline turns out to be much longer, because she manages to fall in love with a man completely, since he suits her on all fronts. Women worry longer and move away longer, because they no longer love just their partner, but also their feelings for him,” Kuznetsova comments on the situation.
The psychologist recommends that ladies at the initial stage of a relationship learn more about the everyday preferences of their lover: what food he likes, shirts, what color he wears, etc. All this knowledge will help you keep a man near you in the future.
“If a woman is smart, she should take advantage of the moment while a man is in love with her. She must find out what a man likes and what he values. During this period, the partner gives the young lady the whole schedule, everything that is possible and impossible, he is “naked” in front of her. And when a man begins to cool down emotionally, I must offer the gentleman his complete favorite set: here are the pies, and here are the striped socks. And also dumplings - also from the list. A lady must do everything to,” states Elena Kuznetsova.
Overcoming love addiction
The stronger the dependence on a lover or beloved, the. It is impossible to say exactly how long it takes people to recover. The process is individual for everyone, but the general advice for everyone is as follows.
Immediately after, try to leave for a while. A change of scenery is beneficial because in the new place nothing will remind you of the minutes spent together. In addition, new impressions and emotions will help crowd out sad thoughts.
Another option is to go completely to work. In this case, you also will not have time for tragic thoughts.
Don't forget about the gym. Work out until you sweat. Physical exercise will help relieve negative energy and relax.
Helpful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35. Call on weekdays from 11:00 to 19:00.It is important to properly organize your leisure time. Try to keep your brain working all the time, so in your free time, read books (but reading should really captivate you) and watch movies. Just don’t opt for melodramas and romance novels where “everything is about me.” It is better to give preference to thrillers, action films, and films with “action”.
It’s better to forget about the “wedge by wedge” option. This method of forgetting with the help of a new hobby is not very good, because psychologically people are often not immediately ready for a new relationship. We continue to love and remember one person and look for his traits in another. And when the comparison turns out to be not in favor of the new partner, we only become irritated, and no “recovery” occurs. The situation often only gets worse.
If you want to suggest your topics regarding interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].
A relationship between two people undoubtedly requires loyalty, devotion and a willingness to meet the needs of the loved one. But it is important that it is mutual and appreciated by others. You shouldn’t get carried away with expressing your feelings, especially if your partner doesn’t care. In such a situation, you can easily cross the line from ordinary love to love addiction.
If relationships bring you only pain and suffering, you experience a constant feeling of anxiety, emotional hunger and discomfort, know that you are addicted to love, and this is a disease that requires treatment. Moreover, not only women, but also men suffer from it.
In the stronger sex, love addiction is much more complicated, and accordingly, getting rid of it is not so easy.
Love addiction - a person in love literally goes crazy if his partner is not around, he simply cannot live peacefully without him. His behavior becomes obsessive, sometimes aggressive, he always tries to be close and control the behavior of his lover. This painful state is clearly visible from the outside, but the trouble is that the addict himself is not aware of it.
How to treat love addiction?
Treatment can be very long and difficult, since love addiction, like any other, causes persistent psychological attachment and completely destroys a person’s normal emotional background. Without the help of a competent psychotherapist, getting rid of this disease is almost impossible.
No matter how much it hurts you, you need to free yourself from the relationship in which you became a victim of love addiction. To do this, you need to move away from the object of passion. It is best to take a vacation and go somewhere far away, relax and unwind. A change of place of residence is also suitable. You can live with friends or relatives for a couple of weeks or rent an apartment in the opposite part of the city. This will be the most “sick time” and the first step into a new life.
So that there is no time for self-pity, memories and tears, take care of yourself and your life. And everything in it should be new. Therefore, change your image, renovate your apartment or country house, change your place of work, throw away old, boring things and everything that reminds you of the object of your love addiction.
You should not build new relationships until you finally understand yourself. This can lead to the same love addiction, only to another person.
But still, the best solution would be to contact a good psychotherapist. It will help you understand the causes of psychological pain, and this is the most important point in treatment. If you do not find out and understand the reasons for your addiction, its plot may repeat itself in all subsequent relationships. So don't be afraid to ask for help.
Love is a wonderful feeling! It inspires, inspires, gives joy, improves mood and colors life in bright colors. But sometimes it happens that it does not bring any pleasure, life turns into hell and torment. In this case, there is no place for love, there is only love addiction. This condition is protracted and severe. Its strength can be compared to drug or alcohol addiction. This feeling hits painfully and mercilessly. How to learn to live life to the fullest without someone whose heart has chosen a different path?
Signs of love addiction
Love addiction is much less common in men than in women. As a rule, it is the woman who literally becomes a victim of addiction.
If a woman loses her “I” and neglects her daily activities or hobbies, then it is quite possible to conclude that she has a love addiction. How to overcome this difficult condition? This is now the main question not only for the woman herself, but also for her close circle.
Love addiction is entirely characteristic, as mentioned earlier, of women with low self-esteem. Praise from colleagues, superiors, success in career matters - all this is a breath of clean air for such a woman.
Successful completion of a project, completed work ahead of schedule, a compliment from the customer is a way out of a mental crisis. Work really can cure many mental illnesses.
Communication
There is nothing worse than when the world begins to shrink into a small space where there are a couple of people who are very difficult to understand their relationship.
It must be remembered that communication with your family, friends and acquaintances, even with work colleagues, is another valuable medicine. Sometimes a friend, mother, sister can play the role of the best psychotherapist who can help an exhausted and self-tormenting woman with advice, find the strength to fight and live on.
Nowadays, there are many techniques that can quickly lead you out of a state of love addiction and make you indifferent to a person for whom, it would seem, feelings will never dry up.
Getting rid of love addiction can be done using the following proven methods:
- psychoanalysis;
- Gestalt therapy;
- hypnotic withdrawal;
- neurolinguistic programming.
Often these techniques help in the question of how to get rid of love addiction, significantly reducing suffering after a certain number of sessions. With the help of psychologists, a woman begins to feel much calmer about the object of her unhappy love, and sometimes completely erases him from her heart.
Unfortunately, these procedures do not have positive results in all cases. Alas, many women simply believe that all the proposed methods have been exhausted and have no result.
It is important to cultivate a free person who is not dependent on any circumstances. This attitude may involve drawing, going to concerts and theatre, painting, tourism and many other hobbies! Just a weekend trip with loved ones into nature or going to a concert can cause a storm of positive emotions. And then there will be no strength or time left to thoughtlessly shed tears just because the beloved never called or wrote, although he promised to do so.
Love addiction is a complete set of unhealthy reactions: wild affection, vows and promises, hostility and rejection, panic, breakdowns, hysterics, perhaps reunion again, then again a painful breakup, and so on ad infinitum.
Say no to the past!
A partner who is dependent on the relationship and has already become a victim of it begins to suffer and alarming signs appear. As a result, this anxiety gives rise to self-dissatisfaction, a feeling of emptiness and uselessness appears, which may well cause depression and even provoke thoughts of suicide.
A victim of love addiction can aggravate his condition himself if he actively pursues his ex-partner, trying not to distance himself from him, but, on the contrary, to become more and more imbued with the news of his life in any way.
The news that a former partner has a new passion can have very negative consequences. In this case, the feeling of emptiness can only intensify, and a feeling of guilt appears. In such cases, as a rule, events will be repeated in a circle until the victim of love tries to pull himself together and begin to live on.
Important rule
There is one golden rule: you should not start a new relationship immediately after the previous ones, the ones that were the most painful, were broken off. After all, in this way you can transfer your love addiction to a new person. A break is needed. Exciting activities, as mentioned above, are sports, dancing, yoga! Anything to heal the soul.
Only after she is completely freed from previous grievances and disappointments, then when a person can realize what happened and put everything in order in his head and heart, can a new path begin. Towards something bright and bright, towards new love, where there will no longer be a place for tears and resentments, sorrows and sorrows, where there will never again be a place for such an illness as love addiction, the signs of which, unfortunately, always appear very clearly.
The world is beautiful!
But you don’t need to bring yourself to a state where even the work of psychologists can cost a lot of work. It's better to look around and realize that the world is wonderful. It contains a lot of interesting and entertaining things. Having realized this, a woman will immediately notice how life will give her pleasant gifts. It is important to remember that relationships will bring happiness and satisfaction only when they are built on mutual respect and a mutual desire to be together. And people who have chosen a different path should not be kept. You need to let them go and concentrate on your life.
It's called love
May lovers forgive us, but the fact is that crazy, unhappy love, which brings pain and suffering even at the very beginning of a relationship, is actually not love, but love addiction. It has nothing to do with the high, life-affirming feeling - true love. Love addiction is “hunger”, “thirst” for the “beloved”. This is an analogy to drug addiction, and that’s why it’s called “drug-addictive love.”
This feeling can be mutual or non-reciprocal, but in any case it intoxicates, like a drug, like alcohol, and the lover (more precisely, the addict) is like a drug addict or alcoholic. He also cannot live without his “beloved,” like an alcoholic without a glass. He feels and thinks approximately the same as a hungry person feels and thinks about a piece of bread.
But, as a rule, this hunger (love addiction) drags on for years. And this is already a disease that brings NOTHING except pain and suffering, which must be “treated” and as quickly as possible! Sometimes mental pain is felt on a physical level: the heart aches, it hurts, blood pressure rises, headaches and “female” and “male” diseases appear. Other diseases also arise against the background of chronic stress.
“Help me not to love. When he is not around, I feel so bad, my heart hurts, my temples press. When he leaves for work, I get stressed, I think about where he actually went, what he will do, I constantly call him at work, check on him, but the checks don’t help, I still don’t calm down. If he's not at work, I go crazy. If he's there but not in the mood, I wonder what my fault is. If his voice is cheerful, I’m jealous that he’s in a better mood at work than with me.”
Unfortunately, such love addiction is very common, and people mistake it for true love. “I suffer - that means I love.”
A beautiful, well-groomed, wealthy 30-year-old woman sits in front of me. For the last 5 years, Nadezhda has been madly in love with her peer, in love without reciprocity. He is simple, not rich and not beautiful, not married, and available to any woman except her. How many times during these 5 years Nadezhda met Andrey, she can count on her fingers: after two stormy passionate nights she fell in love, then they met 5 more times, two of them in passing, by chance on the street (Nadezhda arranged these meetings herself... in hope).
What methods did Nadezhda take to lure her beloved into her network: she seduced, tempted, bribed, tried to arouse jealousy, followed him, set up meetings, threw tantrums and pushed him away, bewitched, threatened, in the end... tried to fall in love with another - all useless. Other men (richer, more handsome, smarter than Andrei, and with serious intentions) could not distract her from the object for at least a week. After short meetings, she left them without regret.
“I only want to be with him! I just need it! But I don't know whether he needs me or not. He doesn't tell me this. And I still have hope. Years go by, so much time has already been wasted! And I can’t find anyone else for whom I would feel at least some kind of similar feeling. If we are not together, then I want to at least have a child with him! It’s been a year since he left for another city, but I found out his address. I want to go there. Teach me how to make him fall in love with me?” said Nadezhda, being of sound mind and good memory. - Why am I worse than others? I have everything! And I’m ready to give him everything, but he doesn’t need anything. I am ready to endure everything from him, I can be a very comfortable, faithful wife for him, and I will never blame him for cheating or lack of money. This was the first time I had such a strong feeling, although I had fallen in love before.
And I’m afraid that I will never love anyone THAT way again, I will always love only Him!” Do you think that Nadezhda is the only one in the world? How could it not be so! Every second woman who comes to me for consultation suffers from the pangs of crazy love. Men also fall into the love trap no less often than women. And, despite different life situations, they have the same problem.
Why is unhappy love praised?
“I do it quietly and sadly
The path of life without joys,
And how I love, how I suffer,
The grave alone will recognize.”
Yu. Zhadovskaya
Why is this painful, dependent state mistaken for love? It is precisely this kind of love addiction that is described and, unfortunately, glorified in literature. Unfortunately, because this love leads to pain, tragedy and destruction. Just look at the lines of Tsvetaeva, Akhmatova, Shakespeare, Blok, Pushkin, Lermontov.
“In love, having learned only suffering,
She has lost her desires
And again he doesn’t ask to love..."
A. Delvig
Often poetic lines reflect the inner (rarely, happy) state of the author, his love experiences, personal drama. The energy of unhappy love is sublimated into the energy of creativity, into high creative potential. The poet, the writer had nowhere to put his overwhelming feelings, no one to express them, and they directed them into poetic lines filled with passion and suffering, which, however, eased their soul. A striking example of this is Petrarch with his Laura. By the way, prescribing suffering, negative thoughts, feelings is one of the psychotherapeutic techniques. Yes, and poetry is easier to write when the soul suffers, the words themselves “fall” on paper. When the soul rejoices, somehow there is no time for poetry, you want to “catch” the present moment, live it, enjoy life.
Sometimes creative people deliberately (some consciously, others on a whim) become infected with this state, look for such objects for love, tune in to addictive love in order to create. For them, addictive love is an artificially induced state, a source of creativity. After all, it is not interesting to read about what is good and joyful. The reader needs romance, suffering, trials and obstacles that heroes overcome, grief, blood, death...
Literature often programs the reader through love suffering, love addiction, to sacrifice oneself in the name of a wonderful feeling - Love. Remember Romeo and Juliet, Anna Karenina, “poor” Liza. Such literature, especially poetry, romanticizes negative experiences, tragedy, and grief. And to those who read such poems and novels (and we usually read them at a young age), it seems that these are precisely high feelings, this is love, that there is no love without suffering and pain.
“Love knows the heart of grief,
And the grief of the heart will not pass..."
V. Svechin
And we begin to feel, think and act like literary heroes. Especially, such negative programs are dangerous for impressionable, romantic, emotional teenagers. They are already disappointed in the reality that seems vulgar to them. They have no other ideals in life other than these suffering, unfortunate heroes, and they, consciously or unconsciously, want to be like them. “I suffer like a heroine, and I’m proud of it! I know what true love is!” In addition, such literature helps to create not only one’s own ideal, but also the ideal of one’s beloved, which simply cannot exist in real life. The discrepancy between reality and the ideal leads to great disappointments in life, suffering, and constant dissatisfaction with what is. And such negative experiences destroy our lives, our destiny.
What then should you do with your child? Don't take away the books! Moreover, this is a classic! You just need to explain that everything that is written in literature is undoubtedly romantic, beautiful and sublime, but this is an extreme, this is a disease. And such love leads to tragedy, self-destruction, death. And this is not an example to follow, but quite the opposite, it shows what can happen because of such love, and that there are extremes in life that need to be realized.
Causes of love addiction
As a rule, people with low self-esteem fall into love addiction, who lacked parental warmth and love in childhood (the parents took care of themselves or raised the child very harshly), or strictly controlled every step of the child (the child was too dependent on the parents). The main feature of addicts is the lack (lack) of self-love. The following negative programs laid down by parents also predispose to love addiction: “Love is suffering”, “Beating means loving”. Sometimes parents give direct instructions to action: “If you fall in love, rub snot on your fist!”, “Women are insidious and dangerous. Keep your eyes peeled so that some twit doesn’t fool you!”, “Men only need one thing! Look: he’ll play with you and throw you away!” And the hook (emotional reaction) arises only on the person who causes (or is capable of causing) tension and suffering, who behaves unpredictably, unexpectedly, and plays “cat and mouse.”
There are several dangerous myths about love and romantic relationships. For example, that to be completely happy you need to find yours. This myth creates a feeling of inferiority. In fact, we are all full-fledged and completely self-sufficient, and there are a lot of our “other halves” around us, and they exist anywhere in the world.
For some reason, we believe that if I “love” (fell into a love addiction), then they should love me too. My passion, my condition is enough for my partner to continue to reciprocate, we torment him: “you promised, and we agreed”...
When we are waiting for her, looking for her, so mysterious and elusive. When it exists, it fills our entire life... and not always with joy, but more often with torment and suffering, which, as we know, worsens the situation even more... Why is love so evil? And where to go from love suffering?
As a rule, we are ready to blame evil fate, the object of love and the entire opposite sex for the reasons for our suffering in love. And rarely does anyone realize that we ourselves are the source of this torment. We ourselves fill our lives with suffering or joy, depending on our inner state.
The fact is that love suffering occurs in a state of love addiction, it is also called drug-addicted love. Dependence, even at the very beginning of a relationship, is a complex of negative feelings expressed in continuous suffering for another person, in the desire to control his every step and “acquire him as property.” The addict “gets stuck in suffering”, he is not interested in anything in life except his “beloved”, he cannot think about anything else, cannot talk about anything else (any conversation comes down to the “beloved”: to what is happening to him do, how to behave, what to say, where he goes, what he does). For addicted people, love is suffering. And suffering becomes the “litmus test” of love: if I suffer for this person, it means I love him, if I don’t suffer, it means I don’t love him.
True Love is a bright, joyful, positive feeling. Love is an ACTIVE INTEREST in the life and free development of the object of love. I love you, but each of us is free (in our opinions, in making decisions). If you feel better without me, I will understand and let you go with wishes of happiness.
True Love is JOY! This is giving and receiving joy. The “litmus test” of true love is JOY, not suffering: if I rejoice in you and your joys, and you rejoice in me and my joys, if we are joyful and comfortable together, then we love each other.
By the way, true love occurs in life no less often than love addiction. It’s just that not everyone knows how to love, not everyone can recognize a real feeling (they just use the wrong “litmus test”: “if I suffer, I love, and if I don’t suffer, then it’s not love”).
What is the difference between love and love addiction?
The main criterion of Love: we feel good together, and we feel good separately.
The main criterion of dependence: in the first stages, we feel good together, but feel bad without each other; in the later stages, we feel bad together and bad apart.
Love brings positive emotions and makes everyone stronger, luckier, more confident, calmer. Most of the time, a lover feels harmony within himself, stability, security, confidence, warm and tender feelings for his loved one. Negative emotions in connection with a loved one may appear, but only for a short time. The lover blossoms, becomes younger, becomes more beautiful, glows from within and wishes all the people around the same happiness, the same love.
Love addiction, on the contrary, brings a lot of negative emotions: most of the time the addict is filled with anxiety, worry, fears, uncertainty, doubts, jealousy, envy, anger, irritation towards the “loved one”.
Positive emotions are bright, but short-lived. Even in the happiest moments there is some kind of internal tension and doubt (“happiness is only a moment”).
Love does not cancel inner freedom. And love addiction (the word speaks for itself) is dependence on the mood of the “beloved,” his gaze, tone of voice, words. I called - everything was great, I didn’t call - woe.
love relationships are built on equal terms: I give you love, you give me love; Today there is a lot of me, tomorrow there is a lot of you, we are equal.
In love addiction, the dependent is a subordinate, and his “beloved” dominates him. As a result, the addict strives with all his might to earn love, to please the “beloved,” while humiliating himself, he only gives, receiving nothing in return. He initiates joint events, builds relationships himself, forgives everything, and “swallows” grievances.
Love is a constructive feeling and leads to success. Those who love things improve at work, financial situation, health, mood, and want to help others.
Addiction is destructive; most of the time the addict is in a bad mood, stressed, depressed, and his health is destroyed. Since the addict cannot think about anything other than the “beloved” and is completely fixated on him, his work and financial situation worsen.
Love addiction is destructive, but true addiction is creative. With true love, the presence of your loved one is not important, you do not suffer without him, even if he left or left forever. Of course, this is sad, but you don’t plunge into long-term suffering, since you don’t feel the need for him, you wish him happiness: “It doesn’t matter to me where my beloved is, it’s important that he exists.”
A sign of love addiction is “I can’t live without him,” “he alone can make me happy.” The addict clings to the “beloved” like a drowning man clings to a straw (“I’m dying without him”).
However, no one and nothing in this world can make you happy or unhappy. If you are hoping that someone or something will make you happy, you are mistaken. There is no such object, no such circumstances. Happiness and unhappiness are only your reaction to this or that event, to this or that person. The facts themselves have nothing to do with it. And we, psychologists, are not engaged in creating circumstances, situations, helping to attract a loved one, we are changing the very thoughts about this or that person or circumstances. We remove negative programs, experiences and help create high-frequency energies.
No matter how the relationship develops, the lover always wishes happiness to his beloved. When a relationship is interrupted, an addict, on the contrary, has a desire to take revenge on Him (Her) or other women (men), to get even.
“We have known each other for (!) a month and a half. I loved him very much, I went crazy without him, my whole life (!) was dedicated to him. I thought, “Just become my husband, then I’ll take it out on you for all my humiliations!”
Love relationships with love addiction, as a rule, are short-term (up to a year), but after that they can continue from time to time, and the addict can suffer from “love” for several years. Sometimes they last longer and under some circumstances (pregnancy, calculation, pity) turn into family relationships, but the suffering of the addict only worsens.
A little test
Whether your relationship is just beginning or your romance has lasted almost a year, to determine whether you are in love or dependent, listen to your feelings. If your relationship is more than a year old, then remember how you felt in the first year of your romance.
If most of the time you are filled with joy, if love relationships bring you warmth, light, peace, confidence and tranquility, if, when telling other people about them, you brag, share pleasant impressions and events, then Love has visited you.
If most of the time you experience suffering, mental pain, anxiety and worry, and in conversations you share your misfortunes with others, advise you on what to do, what to do, how to behave, then you are addicted.
Love tragedies are very dangerous to life, like drugs and alcohol. Alcohol itself, like a drug, is not evil, and the object of addictive love (that is, love addiction) itself is not evil, they have nothing to do with it at all. All this becomes dangerous when you use it incorrectly. With our own hands (or rather, with our internal state) we create for ourselves certain life situations, including negative ones. Falling in love is not a tricky thing. But what kind of love it will be depends on you.
The cause of many dramas in personal life can be the so-called “addictive love” (or love-addiction). This is a destructive, dependent state on the object of love, akin to drug or alcohol addiction.
Symptoms of love addiction
Drug-addicted love is preceded by a period of mutual intense feelings. The first signal - a symptom of addictive love for a woman - is a sudden change in a man’s behavior to the exact opposite, a sudden cooling or disappearance of a man, “yesterday I looked you in the eye, but now everything is looking sideways.” Let’s say he says “I’ll call” and doesn’t call, promises to come and doesn’t come, and doesn’t really explain anything, thus giving hope. Such behavior on the part of a man is dangerous, since in the future, if the relationship continues (in a sluggish form), he will most likely begin to manipulate. The sooner a woman draws conclusions and ends the relationship, the better. There are no other options, it will only get worse. All attempts to explain or justify his behavior, to return him, to improve relations will not lead to anything good.
Otherwise, the woman will gradually become dependent on the man: her mood and condition will henceforth depend on how their relationship develops. As a rule, in such cases, the woman becomes active and intrusive: she calls him, even follows him, which bothers him even more. As a result, he begins to avoid her, and she goes even more crazy. And the most interesting thing is that if her “beloved” returns to her and loves her, she will leave him in 2 days. She needs him only as long as he is not available, since she is not in love with a real person, but with an ideal. And as soon as the relationship begins to develop, settle down, she will see a real person, will be disappointed, and her love will pass. These are signs of love addiction and non-existent, illusory feelings.
Not only a woman, but also a man can suffer from “drug-addicted” love; such cases are no less common. Then the man becomes dependent on his “beloved,” on her mood and feelings. As soon as a man manages to make her fall in love with him, the ideal collapses and love passes. Sometimes this happens on the second day after the wedding. The woman (and all her relatives and friends) are then perplexed: “I ran around and courted him for so many years, I told him that we were not a couple, and now, a few days passed after the wedding, and he left.”
Stages of addictive love
With addictive love, immediately after several meetings, euphoria sets in, the same as an alcoholic after a few drinks. Literally, “blows your head,” “goes crazy,” and from that time you begin to live only by this person (Her, Him), you think only about Him, (Her), you live only by Him, (Her). The signs of the first stage of this love are as follows: you feel so good with him (with her) that you grow wings, and without him (without her) you feel so bad that you “die.” And you live with one desire: “Give him (her) to me!” Very thrilling!
The second stage is marked by the fact that what is desired does not coincide with reality. “Beloved” does not live up to the ideal. He (or she) is never enough for you. As with drug addiction, there is a need to increase the dose all the time, but the dose of love. What made you so happy yesterday is no longer enough for you today. As a result, you feel bad without him (without her), and you feel bad with him (with her), since he (she) does not correspond to the ideal, expectations are destroyed.
The best, happiest period in this state is the anticipation of the meeting (euphoria returns for a short time), however, for an alcoholic, euphoria occurs in anticipation of drinking. And the greater the necessary, desired dose of love for you, the more the object of love does not coincide with the ideal, the stronger the disappointment during and after the meeting, leading to suffering and grief. After all, when they don’t give me a dose (what I, in my opinion, deserve), I suffer. You want to increase the dose of love, but the object of love does not want to increase it. This frightens him, it seems to him that he is being pulled into a “pool” by an unknown force, and he is “saved,” avoiding the “addict,” and this intensifies his suffering.
The “patient” has a need to improve and change his “darling” (“beloved”). It seems to him that if his “beloved” changes, then he, the “patient,” will feel better. A vicious circle is formed: the more we try to change the “beloved” (“beloved”) and worry about this, the more he resists and the less he (she) reciprocates, and the more he (she) resists, the more we worry and try ( change it, and the more we suffer. There is no freedom and equality in such relationships. Any desire to change someone (even if you just cry or beg for something) is violence against that person. And from any violence a person strives to get away, to run away, to break free from the chain.
At this stage, all negative emotions appear: fear of loss, guilt, jealousy, anger, desire for revenge, despair, disappointment - there is not a single negative emotion that does not arise during this period.
Consequences of addiction to drug love
Bitter experience does not pass without a trace. Someone suffers from love addictions all their life, spending years on each of them, becoming dependent on one person or another. More often than not, these are women; they continue to live in hopes and illusions, “stepping on the same rake.” And someone, having experienced such torment once, becomes disappointed in love. And, fearing new love suffering, he refuses love forever, forbids himself to love, justifying his refusal by the fact that there is no love at all, that it was invented by romantic poets. As a rule, these are men. If they were once “burnt”, then they try not to repeat a similar experience, but, on the contrary, to “turn” the situation (“Let women suffer because they love me, I have already suffered”). And they unconsciously take revenge on other women: they fall in love with themselves, “tame” them, and then unexpectedly abandon them or play with their victim, use her. They know that if suddenly, in the midst of a romantic relationship, he suddenly disappears, then the woman will “sit on this needle” and become dependent, since she cannot explain his disappearance in any way, but hope for his return will remain. Then you can appear again, use it and disappear again. This behavior gradually becomes habitual for them, and they begin to consciously manipulate women. Men who have many partners or have been searching for a long time have experienced this tragedy at one time. And in this way they are “saved” from possible love addiction.
But the worst thing is that, having once experienced such love, we no longer recognize another love, calm and happy. In a joyful, calm feeling, we lack suffering, thrills, and tension. And when we meet True Love, we pass by without noticing it.
How to save yourself from “love-addiction”?
Unfortunately, this is a “disease” that is difficult to cure on your own. As they say, “you can’t order your heart.” You need to go to a specialist, that is, a psychologist. Having come out of love addiction, you become very interesting to the same “beloved” person (for whom you suffered), and you can build a harmonious relationship with him.
Sometimes, in order to free yourself from love addiction, it is enough to simply realize that this feeling is not love, but a disease. And then everything gets back on its feet, you begin to come to your senses. After all, a lot depends on what we think. Our thinking determines our feelings and actions. If we think that this is love, that there is no love without suffering, then we continue to suffer, to sacrifice ourselves to this painful feeling. If we think and know that this is NOT love, but addiction, a disease, then we will feel and act in accordance with our thoughts.
Is it possible to somehow prevent the appearance of this feeling, especially for those who have learned from personal experience that “love is evil” and are now afraid of falling in love with an unworthy person, afraid of new suffering, new pain, new disappointment?
“I don’t want to get married without love, I know that I won’t be able to live with an unloved man for even a month. But I haven’t loved anyone for a long time. I realized that I was afraid of falling in love. I have already spent several years on one man who tormented me, drank, walked around and simply took advantage of me, my feelings. I don’t want this kind of love anymore!”
Therefore, you need to take care of yourself, you need to heal your soul, build, create yourself.
A harmonious person allows only harmonious people into his life, and he always has a choice. He simply will not get into a dependent situation, will not let the problem into his life, he will see it, observe it, realize it and... walk around a kilometer away.
The problem is not far-fetched, but is of interest to both men, women, and teenagers. Love is associated in the human mind with pleasant experiences, and the suffering that lovers inflict on each other does not seem so terrible, on the contrary: they are perceived as part of a very exciting game.
Scientists have long figured out one unsightly fact: falling in love acts on the human body like a drug. If a chemical reaction is present, then love addiction may also occur. The addiction is caused by the strong emotions that accompany falling in love. This will come in handy here. The first is a mature feeling, no matter how cynical it may sound, “man-made”. It has been created by people for years. Falling in love is a different story:
- Swift.
- Spontaneous.
- It is dominated by the spiritual, not the spiritual.
- Perception is distorted, and life seems indecently happy and meaningful to a person.
It is not surprising that people in middle and old age miss the hobbies of youth. There are not many emotions in the life of an ordinary citizen. Strong feelings stand apart in her, which is why love addiction arises.
Love addiction to a woman or man. Causes
Every person who has entered the sexually mature stage of development has at least once been captured by falling in love. But how to distinguish normal strong passion from love addiction, how to recognize a person prone to pathological attractions? Every phenomenon is determined by reasons, love addiction is no exception.
- prepared by an unhappy childhood (despotism and
- Reluctance to take responsibility as a character trait.
- , expressing itself in the fear of rejection (not only in relationships, but also in principle), fixation on shortcomings and retouching of advantages, a tendency to submit (a legacy of parental upbringing). As a result: a feeling of alienation and homelessness in the world.
- The person is tormented by other addictions.
- The person experienced abuse from adults as a child (physical or sexual).
Addictions enter unhindered only into a seriously wounded psyche.
If a person’s biography is rich in such traumas, or he is familiar with at least one of them, then he should think about how to strengthen his psychological defense. We should not forget that scammers use love as a weapon. Such craftsmen are called “marriage swindlers.”
Love addiction to a woman or man is not as harmless as it seems. It hides serious psychological problems of the individual.
Love addiction in relationships and its signs
If a person feels that he is “going crazy with love,” it doesn’t hurt him to think and analyze his behavior. The signs by which people recognize the disease should help in this difficult work:
- "It's him/her!" The feeling of the kinship of the beloved's soul, which does not stand the test of time and shows its illusory nature.
- Passionately impetuous.
- Boundless sexual desire and the practice that supports it.
- A feeling of suffocation when the lover is not around.
- Neglect of other areas of life and responsibilities (family, friends, work).
- Constant obsessive thoughts and fantasies about a future together.
- All interests converge with this person.
Let's pause and say that the 7 points presented above rightfully apply to both love addiction and harmless love. The most interesting and exciting thing happens when the time comes for the first quarrels. New list of “alarm calls”:
- Suffering as a dominant state (even when the object of “love” is nearby)
- The partner refuses to meet, but the addict insists.
- If the partner’s ardor cools down, then the victim is tormented by fears and dark fantasies. She feels her endless loneliness.
- If there are negative dynamics in the relationship, and the partner has already realized his power over the victim, he remains in, putting forward conditions.
- When they resume, their circle closes and the couple returns to quarreling.
- In extreme cases, after a final breakup, the addict pursues his ex-partner.
This is such an insidious thing - love addiction in a relationship, and it grows from the fiery flower of love.
Does Hank Moody know how to get rid of his love addiction to a woman? Comparison of sex and love addictions
Love addiction, is there treatment?
The answer is yes. But in treating addiction, the main thing is the person’s desire to find lost spiritual harmony. If there is no desire, then family, relatives and friends are wasting their time.
True, this is typical for alcohol or drug addiction, but for love addiction it is of a psychological nature, not chemical. However, scientists have found out that the substances that the body produces when falling in love can actually be addictive. But they are still not enough to create a full-fledged chemical dependence.
Who needs to see a psychotherapist? For those who have not been helped by the previous recommendations or for those who cannot analyze themselves on their own, who need another person - a psychologist as a mirror reflecting their problems. What the therapist will do:
- Organizes a person’s experiences.
- Will make an “inventory” of advantages and disadvantages in the most delicate form.
- Will detect and remove spiritual “splinters”.
- Shows ways out of the situation.
There is only one serious snag in this method: a person comes to a psychologist having already previously realized that he needs help. It may be a vague feeling, but the request must be formed at least implicitly. If going to a psychologist is a way to attract attention, then the procedure will not bring results.
How to get rid of love addiction with the help of sports?
If a therapist or psychologist is powerless, then a person is left with the “last cartridge” - sport. Nowadays a healthy lifestyle is popular as an ideology, but in the case of love addiction it is not a goal, but only a means. A person, through physical tension and effort, emerges from the prison of his own negative and obsessive emotions to spiritual harmony.
If you train your body to the point of exhaustion, your soul will stop crying and forget about its sorrows. History helpfully provides evidence - biographies of great athletes.
To the question of how to get rid of love addiction, there is an “active answer”. When a person is busy with the architecture of his own body, the dark energy turns into an aggressive physical effort and goes away.
What is the best way to free yourself from love addiction?
There is no universal answer to this question. For one person, physical activity is like therapy; having found the joy of sports victories, he finds what he has been looking for for a long time. Another person needs a psychologist to talk to him and dot the “I”s, the third person can handle it on his own, he is used to independence, and also to knowledge. There is a fourth way: the madness of falling in love will pass by itself, and the sun will appear from behind the clouds again, and the person will get out of the emotional hole, come to his senses and move on along the road of life.
Dale Carnegie taught: the cheapest cure for neurosis is to work.
Everyone chooses for themselves how to free themselves from love addiction, according to their taste preferences and character traits. There are no universal recipes in the world and no two identical destinies; no panacea has yet been invented, either medical or psychological, and this means: a person is free, and he is the master of his own life. Pain and suffering are terrible, but they help you understand your limits and gain courage and desire to live.