Parents should love their children, educate them and take care of them. They should help children develop and become independent people. Unfortunately, some parents treat their children rather poorly, taking away their warmth and care, or even completely abandoning them. It hurts to feel that your parents do not love you, and this pain can be not only emotional, but also physical. The best way to deal with this is to accept the fact that you can't change other people, just focus on yourself.

Steps

Think about ways to solve this problem

Talk to a good friend or family member about it. Sometimes a person gets better when he just talks to someone about his problem. Talk to a family member or friend about what's going on in your family.

• For example, you might try talking to a close friend about how your parents are doing and how you feel about it. Find a person with whom you feel good and comfortable, who will not turn away from you. Tell this person what you would say to your parents.
• Try not to become emotionally dependent on this person, just talk to him when you need to speak up. If you suddenly find yourself calling him several times already, be careful not to become dependent on this person. If you feel that you are becoming more and more dependent on other people, talk to the school psychologist.

1. Find yourself a mentor. A mentor will help you make important decisions in your life, teach you things that your parents can't (or won't) teach you. You can find a mentor who can help you master school subjects, help you deal with difficult situations, or succeed at work. Consider whether there is a reliable responsible adult in your life who could be your mentor. For example, it can be a coach, teacher, boss?

   • If your boss or sports coach offers to help you, consider again if this person can be your mentor. In fact, you can ask someone for help yourself. Say, “I am in awe of what you have achieved! I also hope someday to succeed in life in the same way and reach your level. But I don't know where to start. Could you teach me?"
   • Try not to become too dependent on your mentor. Keep in mind that a mentor will still not be able to replace your parents, so you should not expect parental care from this person. A mentor is someone who can help you achieve your goals in school, work, or some other area of ​​your life.

2. Talk to a therapist or school psychologist. It is not easy to come to terms with the behavior of your parents, therefore, it is quite possible that you will have to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand yourself and develop protective mechanisms with which you will feel much better.

   • If your school has a psychologist, be sure to ask if you can make an appointment to discuss this issue. If you're confused or don't know how to start this conversation, talk to a teacher you trust first.
   • Ask your parents if you can make an appointment with a psychotherapist. Say: “Recently, I have encountered (faced) an unpleasant situation, I need to talk to a specialist about this. Please help me find a good psychotherapist.”
   • Be aware that if your parents are abusive, the school psychologist or psychotherapist will be required to report it.

3. Resist the temptation to compare how your parents treat you and your siblings. If you think that your parents treat your brother better than you, this does not necessarily mean that they love either of you more. There is likely a reason why they treat your brother more carefully at this time. Most often, this is an intuitive behavior, so your parents may not even realize that they treat you differently.

   Try not to take it personally. Sometimes it can be difficult to accept criticism and abuse from people close to you who should love you, even if you perfectly understand that they are not telling the truth. Remember that your parents' words and behavior apply more to them than to you.

   • The next time one of your parents says or does something bad to you, say to yourself: “I am a good person, I appreciate myself. My parents are just trying to cope with their problems, that’s why they do/say that.”

4. Be kind to yourself. Some children who experience parental mistreatment begin to feel bad about themselves, for example, they try to hurt themselves, start using alcohol and drugs, and fail in school. Remember that all this will not improve your condition. Instead of giving in to this temptation, start taking care of yourself and loving yourself, for example:

   • Do not smoke or use alcohol or drugs.

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Why do mothers hate their children?

Ah, that doesn't concern you! You love your children. Then look around: among friends, acquaintances, neighbors, you will definitely find families whose children are at least unloved, and often hated.

A doctor from one of the hospitals tells how her parents brought a girl of about 10 years old, suffering from some kind of complex illness. After a thorough examination, it turned out that she had no more than two years to live. Parents, of course, were informed about this. I don't think any normal person would ever imagine what their reaction was. The mother asked to tell the girl that the illness was not very serious, because ... otherwise, “she will sit on the neck of my father and me and hang her legs; will not help at home, nor study at school; we don't want to spoil." And you thought you wanted to keep the child?

At the funeral of 14-year-old Lena, her mother, Irina Grigoryevna, sobbed the loudest, even howled. Everyone looked at her sympathetically, with pain and horror: God, how can you endure such a nightmare, bury your daughter, and even died of ... anorexia. Yes, everyone felt sorry for the mother, sincerely sympathized with her. And only the girl's father stood aside with a face black with horror and ... hatred for his wife. He is now sure that it was she who became the culprit of the illness and death of their only daughter.

She never loved Lenochka, - confessed the heartbroken father. She loved and loves only herself. For Irina, the most important thing in the world was what people would say and think about her. Literally from the first day of Lenochka's life, she cared only about the impression that she makes as a mother, as a wife, as a hostess. That is why the daughter had to have the most beautiful diapers, the brightest bonnet ... Later, Lenochka was supposed to be “the very best” in kindergarten, then at school. Irina all the time made her look and be the best, rigidly demanded “fives” and diplomas, praise from teachers and first places in all kinds of competitions. At some point, our daughter's psyche broke down. In order to please her mother to achieve an ideal figure, she stopped eating. Anorexia became a "natural" consequence of this upbringing. I missed it, and there is no forgiveness for me, and my wife never worried about the health of the child.

Now at home, Irina Grigorievna has many diplomas, certificates, diaries with "fives" ... Only the girl Lena is no more. And soon, it seems, there will be no husband.

Children will not tell you that terrible things happen to them at home. They are afraid, they cannot understand that they are simply not loved, they blame themselves for being “badly” behaved, that they are not good enough, smart, beautiful and continue to adore their moms and dads, whatever they may be. Because it is natural for a cub to love parents, like breathing, it does not need to be taught this. No one will ever be able to give a contrary example.

Even growing up, people hide their pain in themselves because of the dislike of their parents, especially their mothers, and do not dare to say out loud that they felt bad in childhood.

No, the children themselves will not tell anything! Let's take a closer look at how parents treat their babies. Do you notice too often mom's irritation and dad's tired indifference? These signs are already enough to alert. After a while, you will determine in which families irritation is a case, and in which it is a constant phenomenon. These are the last ones I want to talk about.

Nature endowed us with the instinct of tenderness as babies, and mothers, in addition, with a stronger innate feeling, which we, by common agreement, began to call maternal love. But, like everything in nature, these feelings and instincts are unevenly distributed among us. Someone adores babies so much that they are ready to crawl for hours with each toddler, not to mention their own. Others lack elementary feelings even for their own child. Today, these parents are the object of my interest. Let's take a closer look at them. What kind of specimens are they, what are their features, how do they differ from us?

Most importantly, of course, mothers. It is they who know how to hate their offspring terribly. Here is a mother mercilessly beating her daughter, an excellent student for every "four"! But the parent is constantly and with pleasure "surprised": how is it that she, so beautiful, was born such a "terrible" girl? There is a similar example with a boy - his mother inspired him that he was so ugly and stupid (the guy got a silver medal at school!), That not a single normal girl would go for him, it’s not even worth trying. And another mother, not happy with her daughter’s marriage, regularly “opens her eyes” to her son-in-law about the supposedly “light” behavior of his wife (in fact, there is nothing like that - a very decent lady, scientist, doctor of science, author of several monographs).

But one lady writes: “You think that the mother is obliged to love you a priori, because the mother. But that's not the case." No more and no less. The breakdown of the maternal instinct and the violation of one of the fundamental moral laws, according to this shameless woman, is acceptable. God forbid, of course, but if this lady has supporters and supporters, then soon we will find Medea's lawyers among us, who killed her children in order to take revenge on a man.

Stories about the heinous deeds of mothers are numerous. Moreover, each such mother acts cruelly and vilely more than once, not ten and not a hundred. She behaves in this way for many years, often her whole life.

Some of the children steadfastly endure this nightmare, do not break down and in adulthood receive, so to speak, a complete rehabilitation. And many, very many go into illness: the child's psyche is a very sensitive and fragile material. Any practicing psychiatrist has a whole "car" of stories about mental illness of patients, the cause of which was parents. A vivid episode from the mentioned book: one very emotional female psychiatrist, when discussing this topic, could not help exclaiming: “Such parents should be killed!”. Do not blame her for this harshness - she felt sorry for her unfortunate patients, who, through the fault of their parents, are now forced to suffer all their lives from depression, psychosis, phobias, which are very difficult to treat. Experts say that when the “nerves hurt”, it is worse than toothache and heartache.

Why do mothers hate (or “simply” don’t love) their children?

R and h and n and No. 1(one of the most common). The mother does not love her husband and takes out the evil for it on the child. Such a mother can beat her child for nothing, starting from infancy, because she sees in him a hated or annoying man. This often happens when a woman marries "on the fly."

Dear girls and women! You shouldn't marry a man if you don't like him or don't respect him. It will be bad for everyone. There is no benefit for you. Remember the testament of the brilliant Omar Khayyam:

To live life wisely, you need to know a lot,

Two important rules to remember to get started:

Than anything to eat, it is better to starve;

It's better to be alone than with just anyone.

P and h and n and No. 2. The hard hopeless life dragged by the culprit of family misfortune. Most often, these are single mothers, although this is not necessary. For example, the life of a woman with a drunken husband is no better. And again, the children are the last ones. They are weak, they cannot answer, and the mother takes out all the pain on them for an unhappy fate, for a husband who drinks money, for hard work and an unsettled life, for inhuman apartment conditions, for vile bosses, for evil neighbors, for a falling closet door, for ..., for ..., for ... For this, the child gets - on the pope, on the head, on the legs, with a hand, with a belt, with anything, to bruises, to blood, to broken thin bones, to bitter tears from an unfair punishment, to hiccups, to stuttering, to running away from home, to suicide...

P and h and n and No. 3. Unawakened maternal instinct. Most often it happens in young mothers. They haven't walked yet. They are infantile. They do not really understand why children do not behave like the dolls they used to play with until recently. Well, they treat sons and daughters like toys. They play a little and leave them unattended. They themselves can go to a disco, on a date, to a store, to a friend, to a hairdresser. Such mothers talk little to their children, rarely play with them, and generally pay little attention to them. It is good if there is a loving grandmother nearby. And if not?

P and h and n and No. 4. Mother loves herself too much, cherishes, suffers from “pupyism”, believes that the Universe revolves around her, and all those around her are just an appendix to her person, to her beauty, her talents and are created only for her service. In such cases, physical violence against the child very rarely takes place, more often it is destroyed morally, from the cradle showing who is in charge here, before whom one must prostrate and for what he, a brat, was born: naturally, for the sake of serving maternal interests. And if at the moment you are not “serving”, then at least do not interfere with your mother’s life. Act like you don't exist. Such a child is not beaten, but his soul is crippled: he considers himself inferior, born in vain, not very necessary, lonely.

To help children who have not earned the love of their mothers is possible only with the whole world. This means that you need to take a closer look around you, and suddenly someone close to you has such an unfortunate baby. Let's try to help him - we will delicately talk with his parents, we will advise kindly, if the matter is in ignorance, in delusion. And most importantly, teachers (in kindergartens, schools) should always be "on the lookout." They saw that something was wrong with the child, talk with him, with the parents. If required, strike all the bells.

For some reason, I am sure that children should only grow up happy, and no one can convince me of this.

The child has the right to life.

The child has the right to happiness.

A child has the right to have parents whom he loves.

The child has the right to criticize his parents.

The child has the right not to love his tormentors.

Parents have no right to make their child unhappy.

Parents have an obligation to love their children, and if they are unable to do so, they must stop being parents.

Parents have no right not to love their child.

It is impossible to allow a child to die or be treated all his life because of the dislike of his parents. This is a difficult task for society and for each of us.

And no one said that raising children is easy. But it's necessary, don't you think?

Hearing this from your own child is indescribably painful. Can something be done about it? Let's figure it out together with our expert Pavel Taruntaev, child psychologist of the "Interesnyy kindergarten" network.

Children and parents are about love. Must be about love. But in these relationships, sometimes there is so much hatred that it becomes even scary. After all, this is your dearest person, whom you love simply because he is. And he hits on the most painful. Here are two typical stories - different, but equally terrible for moms.

“At the age of three, she hated her father. Now she is five years old, she hates me, explaining that I scold and beat her. He speaks to me in an exceptionally capricious, aggressive tone. Calls bad words that she learned in kindergarten. Trying to wean her from a bad vocabulary, I punish. For example, I say: if I hear this word again, you will go to another room. Tried to apologize for mistreatment if I offended her. She confessed her love. All to no avail: she cries and says that she will not forgive. He tries his best to prick me, to offend. What to do? Ignore? Be stricter? Pamper? Wait until it passes by itself?

Photo by GettyImages

“At the age of 17 I met my future husband, he was 10 years older than me. Turned out to be a drunken alcoholic. I tried to re-educate him, bore him a son. The husband ran away. In general, she is to blame, but that does not make it easier. There was no help, moral or financial, from anyone. I went to work in another city. Mom could drink and forget about her grandson. As soon as this happened, I returned and did not let her near my son again. She took the child with her. They lived in a rented room. He went to the garden. Even then, he began to have tantrums, if something did not work out or did not go as he wanted. He was very tiny, and instead of helping him, I got angry with him, scolded him, he screamed and stamped his feet. I didn't hold back and beat him.

Then I found a good job, I was away from morning until late at night. He was with nannies and girlfriends. He became aggressive, at the age of four he learned to lie. I understand that he was looking for my attention, he is a very open boy, but his laughter was heard less and less. I love him very much, but scolded and forbade a lot. Again, she raised her hand, and even insulted.

And then it dawned on me what I was doing with my son. He is in the 4th grade, grades are above average, he does not respect me. Right, but for what? We fight every day.

My son now hates me and says that it's all my fault, he's 10 years old, and we still couldn't cope with tantrums. At the word “no,” he screams and stamps his feet. He does not act like this with his aunt and grandmother. I am very ashamed in front of him and sorry that I am ruining his life.”

"I'm a bad mother" - both of these women make such a diagnosis. But maybe this is not quite true and something else can be corrected? To understand this, we must first understand why we hear such words.

Reason 1

Most often, “I hate” sounds in the heat of a quarrel. Often because we ourselves do not know how to talk with our own children. We habitually stand at the leading level: the parent is the king, he can punish and reward, order and demand. And we completely forget that the child must be treated as an equal - after all, he is a separate person with his own feelings and needs.

Pavel Taruntaev, child psychologist:

A child often speaks of hatred because he does not know how else to express his feelings towards an adult and uses those phrases that he heard somewhere and are somewhat similar in meaning. Behind "I hate you" can hide a variety of true feelings of the child: grief, anger, annoyance, resentment, and even sadness. Therefore, do not close yourself from him when you hear offensive words. Talk to your child about his feelings, find out what he is really experiencing. “You got so angry. What made you angry? You wanted to play some more and that's why you're mad at me that it's time to go home?

With such conversations, we help him not only more accurately define his feelings, but also specifically express them. As a rule, when a child says something like that, the reason lies precisely in this - in the wrong wording. In addition, up to 5-6 years old (or even older), children do not invest in such offensive phrases of that deep meaning and meaning as we adults do.

Reason 2

Another child can behave in a similar way due to excessive pressure, excessive demands on him. Resentment, anger and bitterness accumulate in him, from time to time expressed in protest reactions, unpleasant words, open aggression, etc. In this case, you need to think about whether it is worth revising the system of education in the family? Has education turned into repression?

In my practice, there was a case when a boy forbidding his mother to watch another cartoon said that he would jump out of the window in order to “make his mother hurt as much as she hurts him.” Resentment accumulated in him for a long time and resulted in a phrase (heard, by the way, from his grandmother) on a seemingly trifling occasion. And, of course, the six-year-old boy did not have genuine suicidal tendencies, but there was a strong desire to “revenge”.

Saying “I hate you” can also be a child who is brought up in a family where parents are not completely sure of themselves and their decisions. There are no such concepts as acceptable behavior, respect, respect for other people's boundaries, parental authority. The child feels that he can behave this way, he is allowed to do so. By the way, with the help of such tricks, the child may try (often quite successfully) to manipulate the parents, forcing them to somehow prove their love.

Photo by GettyImages

Reason 3

The reason may be a weak emotional connection with the child - then he tries to attract the attention of his parents with at least "bad", "evil" phrases and negative behavior in general. He may greatly lack parental warmth and care.

If you heard such a phrase from your child, in no case answer rudely or aggressively: “I will now ask you to talk to your mother like that!”, “Oh, you hate it, so I’ll leave then now.” Such behavior will not help either you or the child in any way, and it is easy to spoil an already unpleasant situation somewhat.

What to do?

1. We help the child understand his own feelings through conversation and express them correctly and adequately: “You were upset that I accidentally broke your house. I'll fix everything now."

2. We avoid reciprocal aggression and manipulations like: "Since you do not love me, then I will leave you forever." We remain calm and understand the situation, and do not attack in response.

3. We do not allow the child to manipulate us with such phrases. You should not allow your child what you just banned because he "won't love you." Explain the reason for the ban and discuss the child's feelings.

4. You should definitely think about whether it is worth changing something in the relationship with the child. Maybe there is too much pressure on him or we do not appreciate his small and big successes? Or, on the contrary, the child is allowed too much, maybe the boundaries of the relationship have been erased too much?

As practice shows (fortunately or unfortunately), often, no matter how parents treat their children, they love them. But to eradicate love methodically, drop by drop, daily - easily. And the result is deplorable.

Conflicts between parents and children are common.

And if the conflict has gone so far that both have stopped communicating or are suing each other? Why do the most dear to each other people sometimes turn into irreconcilable enemies?

Alien relatives

I know a family where the daughter has not communicated with her mother for several years. The fact is that the daughter sided with her father when her parents divorced with a scandal.

The granddaughter, whom the grandmother had never seen, managed to grow up. continue to live in the same apartment, the daughter comes to visit only when the mother is not at home ...

Another example. The daughter is seriously ill, and every day her mother tells her: “I wish you would die!” and reproaches her ex-husband that she once gave birth to a sick child from him - they say, it would be better if she had an abortion ...

Near the temple met an old woman. She said that her house burned down, went to live with her son, and he behaves like a stranger with her ... Somehow she returned from the store and forgot her keys - her son did not want to open the door for her. Another time, the mother became ill, called an ambulance, she was taken to the hospital - so the son did not even leave the room ...

And how many families where parents kick their children out of the house and vice versa ... Such situations often become plots for the program “Let them talk” and similar TV shows. What happens to these people?

vicissitudes of fate

Of course, there are families where cooling between parents and children comes from the very beginning. A typical example is that a mother does not want to raise a child herself, she pushes the upbringing onto her grandmother. This leads to the fact that the child begins to perceive his mother as a "someone else's aunt." Of course, he understands that this is a mother, but he does not have any warm feelings for her and cannot be. And over time, an aging mother begins to demand care for herself. If housing problems are also mixed in here, then life literally turns into hell ... Two people who are essentially strangers to each other are forced to coexist on the same territory. And they just start to survive each other.

It also happens that at first everything is in order. The mother takes care of the child as expected, the child seems to love her ... But over the years, something changes. My friend has an adult son, he said that she "didn't give him anything." Stop calling me mom. He married, both - he and his wife - are engaged in business, live in a cottage outside the city. When a mother comes to visit her son and grandchildren (which they are not happy with), they don’t even offer her a lift to the station, and late in the evening they have to wander alone onto an electric train along a deserted road.

It's all about change

If in childhood there is still attachment to parents, then over the years the child may “open its eyes”, and it will begin to perceive parents, for example, as useless losers, unable to earn money for a decent existence. As a result, a son or daughter begins an independent life in which there is no place for the closest people.
Often a wedge between parents and children drives the marriage of children. Suppose the son brought his daughter-in-law into the house, and the mother is in conflict with her. If the authority of the mother is stronger, then she can "divorce" the son from his wife. But it also happens that the son takes the side of his wife and begins to "befriend" her against his mother. This can lead to the fact that the son will stop communicating with his mother. Sometimes it even comes to the point that the weakest side is driven out of the house.

The “risk group”, of course, is primarily alcoholics and drug addicts. Both parents and children who are addicted to this are deprived of housing and livelihoods, left to the mercy of fate ...

But even in decent and seemingly prosperous families, there can be very difficult relationships. Older people with age can become unbearable in communication: they get sick, changes occur in the brain, and from this. It becomes difficult for relatives to be close to such a person, and relationships deteriorate irreversibly.

“How is it possible, because she is your mother, she raised you!” Or: “This is your son, why are you depriving him of housing?” - bystanders are perplexed. But it's important to understand that people don't stay the same. For 30-40 years, a person can change internally literally beyond recognition. And it may be simply impossible for representatives of another generation to find a common language with him.
The main thing is tolerance!

No one is immune from such situations. And smart people understand this. That is why they are trying to decide before it is too late. If parents and children live separately, there are still fewer reasons for conflict.

Of course, there are no universal recipes for solving the problem and cannot be. We can advise parents and adult children to be as tolerant as possible towards each other. You should not accumulate resentment if a loved one refused you something, did not live up to your expectations. After all, he may have his own reasons for this, including those related to health or children. It is better if representatives of two generations come into contact with each other only in a sphere that is comfortable for themselves and will not try to overstep the boundaries of someone else's space, and even in the most shameless way. Peace and warmth to you!

Quite often it happens that the worst enemies for young people are their own parents. The older the child, the more scandals in the family. Moreover, parental requirements reach insanity, and it is simply impossible to fulfill them normally. Why do parents hate their adult children and make them worse? There is a very real psychological explanation for this.

Why do parents hate children?

The first reason for this, oddly enough, is love. Your parents loved you like a small and sweet child. And when you grow up, they still want to see you like that. And so that you cannot grow up normally, they “put spokes in the wheels” for you. In particular, parents can:

1. Forcing you to study too much;
2. Forbid to communicate with friends;
3. Buy stupid clothes for you;
4. Talk to you like you're an idiot (like a dog bites);
5. Say stupid and vulgar things to you.

As a result, your psyche will break down, and you become a mentally retarded person. Parents get a lifelong toy, and society loses one normal person.

To prevent this from happening, you should not play along with them and behave like an adult. Don't worship your parents. They are ordinary people (although they gave birth to you). Live your life. And then, such problems will definitely not touch you.

Envy of parents as a reason for hatred

In addition, parents may simply envy you. For example, often old "mommies" forbid their adult daughters to start a family. At the same time, such daughters live with their parents, and they cannot leave them.

This is due to the fact that such a mother is unhappy and wants to see a companion in misfortune next to her. By destroying her daughter's life, she will simply create a copy of herself, which will be just as unlucky.

Many parents are generally afraid that their children will be richer or more successful. For this reason, children are forbidden to be creative or go their own way.

Moreover, such envy manifests itself as concern. And it's hard to prove anything. As a result, ungrateful children who do not understand anything in life become wrong.

In addition, parents may treat children the way they used to treat them. You need not to repeat their mistakes, so as not to become the same.

How to avoid problems with parents?

Independent children never face such a problem. If you do not make yourself a victim, then no one will attack you.

Learn to make money as early as possible. Do not sit on the parent's neck. Then there will be less leverage on you.

Live separately! Of course, in this case, no one will bring you breakfast in bed, but no one will touch you. And at a distance, all relationships are good.

Don't follow your parents' lead, don't try to please them. Just live in peace. Do not respond to attacks directed at you. Then they just won't be interested in hurting you.

But do not scold your "ancestors" too much. Perhaps you have confused hatred with banal concern, which is simply not expressed that way. Understand the situation carefully, and only then take action. After all, it is never too late to break off relations, and it is difficult to establish them.

Parents don't like my boyfriend

How do you become best friends with your mom?

The answer will be published in the "Your questions" section. Write normal questions! Snippets of phrases like "3a34km I want to become an ldrppit blogger" are not accepted!

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Why do kids hate their parents?

elenkaivanova I know many situations from life when adult children hate or do not love their elderly parents. Usually in our society, in such situations, it is customary to condemn children: “Ai yay, what bad children. How dare they, their parents brought them up all their lives, they gave them the last crumb of bread, and they…….” But for some reason, instead of judging, no one even thinks to think about where all these feelings came from in an adult child. Actually, in parent-child relationships, as in any other, two people influence what these relationships are. True, the parent is endowed with more power and perhaps he did something in the past in relation to his child, for which he still has not apologized, moreover, he can continue to consider himself right. I know situations when children in childhood were humiliated, called names, suppressed, beaten, and all this for educational purposes. For example, for one of the parents, hitting a child with a belt on the pope and putting a child screaming in pain in a corner is a normal way of upbringing, and there is nothing like this, like: “Don’t be shy, we got worse from our parents in our childhood.” It’s just not clear how what they received is related to what their children are now receiving. Is this a way to take revenge and tell your parents in the past through their children “Fi”, that they did this to them? Or was it not painful for them that they do not remember this pain and can repeat this with another living little helpless person? In fact, they meet their impotence in that they cannot subdue the child, force him to be what they want and unconditionally perform only those actions that are convenient for them. Some train their children like animals: "I said sit next to me, go get daddy a beer."

Poor adult children, they are always in internal conflict, they love their parents and get very angry, forced to suppress this anger, because they still fall into the same childish fear of a big and powerful parent. And they continue to believe that they really cannot change anything and their parents can do whatever they want with them, forgetting that they are already adults, much younger and physically more resilient than their parents. They do not even allow themselves the possibility that it is possible not to fall into this fear and build other relationships with their parents.

For example, you can remember that I am an adult and now we are equal with mom or dad, that I have the right to refuse something when something is expected of me, and even if someone decides to swear or take up the belt, I I can say that this format of relations does not suit me, or if they don’t want to hear me and consider me, turn around and leave. In general, I can stop communicating if it is very unbearable for me, and I will not die without my parents and without their love, because I have long been an adult and can surround myself with the love of those people who really love me. Nobody has the right to suppress others people, especially if it is a child who is weaker and dependent on an adult. I even have a cat has the right to choose not to meet my expectations if he does not want to, and I have long understood that all I can do is just negotiate and we mutually succeed with him, even though we speak different languages . Why do people bully each other so much? Some adults have an idea that children do not understand differently. If you talk to any living creature, affectionately and without suppression, then even an animal begins to understand, can't a child understand? I hear stories from my clients about terrible methods of raising them when they were small, that parents had some the idea that up to a certain age a child can be beaten, he still won’t remember later. And now, when children remember their pain, parents say, “I don’t remember this, it didn’t happen, you’re lying.” How selective memory is, after all, we remember our pain well, but not very much and not always about the pain caused to others. Or when an adult client, only at a therapist’s appointment, finds out that not all children are beaten, that there are other families where the child is loved and respected, isn't that scary?

What is the way out of their position?

1. Parents stop hurting your kids.2. If this has already happened once, it is a pity, but we cannot return to the past and change everything, but in the present we can make attempts to clarify and improve relations. To do this, you need to learn how to talk to each other. This is not easy, but there is no other way that allows both the child and the parent to finally try to meet. After all, both of them were not heard in their childhood, ignored and hurt. And they never spoke heart to heart. Sit opposite each other and decide to talk, no matter who offers to do it first. Tell us how one of you sees the past, as it turns out, we all see it differently. A parent, having once slapped a child on the pope, may not consider it significant and may not remember, but the child's action is colored by a feeling of pain and he remembers. Feelings are very informative channels. Sometimes in therapy one can observe how a person does not remember any stories from childhood, but only remembers the experiences of various feelings, then memory is restored bit by bit through feelings. Part of the memories from the past may be reliable, and part colored by pain and frustration can be distorted or exaggerated. This is what is important to clarify. Tell each other how you feel and ask for forgiveness.

elenkaivanova.livejournal.com

System-vector psychology. The problem of a parent and an adult child or Why do children not love their parents?

Do you feel any special joy from communicating with your parents? This is not a vice. Don't think that you are an exception. This is an absolutely normal human feeling - we, adult children, do not adore our parents the way we did in childhood.

"Tired of the ancestors .."

All people, starting from adolescence, experience mixed feelings of rejection by their parents. We want to be free and this desire sometimes comes down to hatred for the people who gave us life. Of course we are grateful to them. Of course, we understand that we owe them. Of course we love them. But…

“I don’t know why, but I hate my mother. I have always loved her very much, and now I can not cope with this feeling. I hate not even my mother, but my obligation to go to her. It so happened that from the age of 16 I live far from her, but every year on vacation I visited her for 2-3 weeks and loved these trips very much. Now I am already 50 years old, my mother is 75. She cannot be alone for a long time and I have to visit her very often. While I'm away from her, I really sympathize with her, her old age and weakness, but as soon as I come to her, I have mental problems right away - I'm furious with every word she says to me, her behavior infuriates me.

That is, she does nothing wrong, for example, she simply takes pity on me or advises what is the best way to do it, and I turn over right in my soul. Directly cruelty is something that manifests itself inside. Do my kids hate me as much as I hate my mom? I am afraid of this feeling, I am afraid that I hate my own mother, but there is nothing I can do about it. Then, when I leave, I cry a lot because I yelled at her. I am very ashamed of myself and my behavior. But while staying with her, I can't help it. What evil lives in me? How to get rid of it? How can I love my mother again?

"I learned to negotiate with my child .."

Those feelings that this person experiences for his mother are not evil at all. These are absolutely normal human emotions that thousands of other people also experience. Where does this attitude come from?

Childhood - adolescence - adulthood

When a child is small, he is very dependent on his parents. They give him food, shelter, clothes. They give him their care. All this the child accepts with joy and carelessness. Moreover, for any child, his parents are the most wonderful people in the world. Even if the mother is an alcoholic, the child loves her and thinks that she is kind to him, that she is the most beautiful and most tender.

Even if dad is a drug addict, he seems to the child the strongest and most courageous in the world. What can we say about normal parents. Little children love to be proud of their parents in front of each other. This is what childhood is. The time when we carelessly receive what we are given, and are madly happy about it, we are delighted with it.

"The current generation of children has a colossal amount of mental and requires a special attitude towards themselves .."

But childhood does not last forever, then comes the transitional age. This is actually the most difficult period in a person's life. And not only because of puberty, but also because a person becomes an adult during this period, that is, a full-fledged, separate member of society. He, like his parents, should no longer receive, but give - to do what all adults do. This is actually what distinguishes a child and an adult.

Children are consumers (they receive), while adults are givers. And the child gets pleasure from this giving of himself. Communication with parents in puberty is lost. That thread that connected us with my mother, that natural feeling of protection from her, simply disappears. Therefore, an adult feels his mother, by nature, as a stranger. We are ready to create our own family, start working and living in society. We are ready to give.

"The child is not behaving like that .."

For parents, or rather for mothers, the connection with the child remains forever, and no matter how old he is, 5 or 40, for the mother, the child remains a child. And she also wants to give him everything she has, despite the fact that the child has grown up and does not need it. In adolescence, we experience a whole storm of emotions from the fact that we are forced to depend on our parents, although by nature we no longer want this. In the future, in adulthood, this desire to be free will no longer be as pronounced as in adolescence. Not because we will become less aggressive towards our parents, but simply because we have more rights and freedoms - we are adults and you can’t argue with that.

To more accurately assess the scale of misunderstanding between parents and children, add here a whole galaxy of behavioral features associated with the intricacies of the puberty of a modern child. When previously unknown things come to the fore.

An adult person not only does not feel any physical attachment to a parent, he also does not want to be dependent on him. In simple terms, he no longer wants to receive from him, as it was in childhood. But the parent does not know this - he sincerely continues to give, wondering what happened to his child.

Of course, we have social and cultural constraints that tell us that we should honor our parents, love them, and take care of them. And we do it, but not according to the laws of nature. And accordingly, we can hate, despise, and generally experience the whole range of human feelings for them, just like completely strangers, and parents. For some, caring for their parents turns into a real torment that poisons life and does not allow them to breathe calmly. And to a greater extent, not even because of the duty of care itself, but from the realization that there is no love for a parent ...

"Good relationship with parents is not a myth"

Children do not have to force themselves to love their parents in the same way as they did in childhood. What’s more, children won’t be able to do it. Do not judge yourself, you are not to blame for anything. Instead, try to build the same relationship with your parents as with strangers, but at the same time people close to you, for example, friends.

Do not forget that your parents are the older generation and do not judge them too harshly. And learn to accept from them what they give you: it doesn’t matter if they are things or advice. Remember, you are just as small a child for them as you once were. And they love you just as much as they did then.

Afterword. If your relationship with your parents or children is not working out, the problem may lie much deeper than the usual hostility. We invite you to attend trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and, perhaps, some things will become more clear to you in the behavior of loved ones. The introductory part of the lectures is absolutely free and available to everyone by registering.

Tags: Children and parentsChildren

100k.net.ua

Why parents hate their adult children


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Children rarely misinterpret our words.

They are remarkably accurate in repeating everything

what we shouldn't have said.

Children's respect for parents and elders is the most important of the seven virtues. “Honor your father and mother…” (remember?). If a child does not respect and love his parents, then he is like a young tree that has no roots, or a stream that no longer has a source.

Our parents gave us life. It's hard to describe the effort they put in to raise us the way we are.

What do parents expect in return? They need attention, care, ideally love, but above all respect (thus, the child shows their gratitude to them).

Let's look at the meaning of the word "respect":

Respect is a feeling of respect, an attitude based on the recognition of the merits, high qualities of someone or something. // Recognition of importance, significance, value; high mark.

And now let's think about how many families we observe where relationships between adult (adult!) Children and their parents would happily develop?

Why is this happening?

When does the Age of Great Dislike begin?

Most often, parents love their young children (especially if they are obedient) and they love them back. Even if this is not the case, most parents will never admit their dislike for children (even themselves). They patiently try to meet their needs. But, let's think about what needs are we talking about? Most often, their concern concerns the satisfaction of physiological (food, etc.) needs and the need for security. Already with the need for love, many have problems. Love is replaced by overprotection. Excessive care does not give the child the opportunity to develop, because development, as you know, can only be at the level of overcoming. "A child is not a plant, it cannot be grown in a greenhouse, under the hood of one's own influence" (A. Sorin). Thus, children are deprived of the opportunity to learn to trust themselves, they grow up with the conviction that nothing depends on them. Often such relationships become suffocating for children, and there are two ways out - rebellion and humility. It's good if the child rebels. Worse if you get used to it.

In the latter case, parents forever take responsibility for the lives of their children. But the more responsibility we take for our child, the less responsibility he has. Thus we infantilize it and overload ourselves. No one knows exactly at what age it can be considered that parents "have nothing to do with it at all", and whether this will ever happen at all. Therefore, they feel a lifelong responsibility for everything that is done by their children. So, someone, instead of the child (FOR him), takes on the function of controlling him. Why, then, should a child develop such a skill in himself?

Lamarck, already in the 18th century, said: "An unused function - atrophies or degenerates." And the further - the worse ... A small child is easy to control, but children grow up. And the fewer opportunities parents have to take a direct part in the lives of children, the greater their anxiety due to the feeling of the impossibility of “piloting” their flight (after all, they and only they are responsible for the result!), and the greater the desire to criticize and prohibit - as an attempt to return control yourself. So it turns out that in most cases, when children expect support from their parents in their development, parents hinder them more than help them develop. The child grows up into an adult who does not have an adequate idea of ​​his own capabilities and does not consider himself responsible for his life.

What is the future of the parents of such children?

“All the best for children until their old age?

Children grow up, overtaking the income of their parents?

(G. Malkin)

And then you don’t need to be surprised that parents live so hard, and the rest in their environment don’t care about anything! Do you think that children are grateful to such parents? No matter how. What comes easily is usually little appreciated, if noticed at all.

Conclusion: No need to take all the responsibility, you need to take only your own!

Why should parents seek to control their child? Because they see it as an extension of themselves... Do you have control over your arm or leg? Therefore, for many parents, this is a strange question. What about higher level needs? But no way. Can we say that parents respect their children? Do they understand and appreciate their individuality? “What nonsense” - many parents will say indignantly. Why respect them? We respect adults for achievements, children don’t have them ... ”(oh, whether)

Is there a lot of real warmth and understanding of the interests of the child in such a relationship? So, parents (at best) love children as part of themselves... and that's it... There is no respect for individuality in this system in principle.

What does this lead to?

Elementary disrespect for the individual in childhood (and there is undoubtedly a personality) usually spreads further. Actually, this is one of the main causes of conflicts between generations. Children grow up, but parents continue to consider them their property, unceremoniously invading their privacy.

What are these boundaries? Many parents, in principle, have no concept of personal space.

How is their communication? As a rule, according to the principle "mom (dad) knows better what you need." But after all, as the children grow older, the mother also acquires more and more life experience - which means she knows better again.

Parents try to instill in their children their habits and outlook on life. They are hurt by the fact that children are not what they want them to be, so they ruthlessly eradicate any dissent and difference, like a weed. Of course, out of good intentions (so they think). They sincerely try to protect their children from mistakes. But in what way? As a rule, by constantly looking for shortcomings and pointing out them ... Thus, they turn them into losers, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of their own parents. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...

If a parent believes that the child is his continuation, an improved copy, then the child inevitably becomes a hostage to parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. He “should” justify the hopes of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a correct way of life according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of the other, with the denial of his right to decide how to live. “Give your parents a little trust, and they will use it like a crowbar to open you up and rearrange your life, depriving it of any prospect” (Douglas Copeland) And “against scrap, there is no reception” ...

Parental vanity can both help the child - support him in achieving results on his own path and then bring a reasonable sense of pride in him, and seriously complicate life.

The scenario in this case can develop in several ways:

1. The successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of enormous efforts, giving parents the opportunity to be proud of the child, but running counter to his true interests. Under this scheme, the son/daughter suffers.

2. Disappointment of parents about the failure of the life of a son (daughter), who either failed to implement the script prescribed by the parents due to the lack of inclinations, or did not try to do this. With this development of the situation, both parents suffer, and, most likely, their children. The realization that you have disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first and, as a rule, the most significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden.

3. Achieving success contrary to the wishes of the parents, perhaps - the implementation of the anti-script. With this scheme, even if a person's life is successful both from his own and from the generally accepted point of view, parental pride has no basis. After all, success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of, parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life experience (i.e., their life as a whole). This variant of the development of events is sometimes favorable for the child himself, who realized it, but, as a rule, not for the parents.

It should be remembered that any scenario (even a direct one, even an “anti-scenario”) is a rigid scheme that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of a person. If the desire to refute the script prescribed by the parents begins to define a person's life, it can lead him as far from his main task - self-realization - as obedient following of their will.

The main task of parents is to create conditions in which the child can gradually learn to rely on himself, turn to his own resources and develop the ability to satisfy his own needs. The main distinguishing feature of a good parent is that he sees a person (personality) in the child, and not “material”, from which everything that the parent considers necessary can be “sculpted”.

Unfortunately, many parents fail to realize that joy in their children's success, recognition of their independence in achieving it, and simply respect for their individuality can also contribute to children creating their own unique lives.

And as for the main tool of the educational process - criticism and pointing out mistakes, then "what you sow, you will reap."

One day a man came to the sage.

You're wise! Help me! I feel bad. My daughter does not understand me. She doesn't hear me. She doesn't speak to me. She is cruel. Why does she need a heart?

The sage said:

When you return home, paint her portrait, take it to your daughter and silently give it to her.

The next day, an angry man burst into the sage and exclaimed:

Why did you advise me yesterday to commit this stupid act!? Was bad. And it got even worse! She returned the drawing to me full of resentment!

What did she say to you? - asked the sage.

She said, “Why did you bring this to me? Isn't the mirror enough for you?"

The main thing that children inherited from their parents is the habit of criticizing. Children grew up the way they are next to them. Evaluating and criticizing, knowing "how to", "how to" be a parent. Parents in general and ours in particular. Once their parents told them a lot about what it means to be a "good" kid, now it's their turn. After all, parents consider it possible to compare children with someone else (in the vast majority of cases, not in their favor). Then why are they surprised that children compare their parents to someone else? With someone who has achieved more, given more to their children? "Respect? Why should I respect my parents, the child asks - “What a stupid thing” We respect adults for achievements, my parents don’t have them ... ”(a familiar phrase, right?).

When you criticize, you only bring up critics. You criticize yourself, and in return you want only gratitude and respect? But how will children learn this if their parents only make comments to them, thereby firmly driving into their heads the idea that they are losers and everything they do is not good enough?

We are caught in a circular process of disrespect. To educate in children - respect, if you yourself - DO NOT RESPECT others, IS IMPOSSIBLE. How are the parents doing with the respect of other people? Like your own parents? “Whatever you do for your parents, expect the same from your children” (Pittak).

Respect, gratitude and recognition of achievements also need to be taught, preferably by personal example. “And as you want people to do to you, so do you to them” (Luke 6:31).

“One man went into a store and, to his considerable surprise, saw that God Himself was standing behind the counter.

Hesitating, the visitor nevertheless decided to approach and asked:

What do you sell?

What does your heart desire? God said.

Without thinking twice, the buyer replied:

I want happiness, peace of mind and freedom from fear… for myself and for everyone else.

To this God said:

It's possible. But I am not selling fruits here. Only seeds.

children still need the feedback, advice, help and approval of their parents. It can be argued how much (it depends on whether the parent is still an authority for them), but it is safe to say that they need support much more than criticism, negative remarks and negative evaluations. It is very important for children (at any age) to receive confirmation from their parents of their success, achievements, and successful mastering of new social roles.

Why don't parents understand this? Why is there so much criticism and reproach?

"one. Parents transfer their own experience to their children, creating an atmosphere of education through criticism in which they themselves were brought up.

2. Parents evaluate the success of their children by comparing them with how they relate to their own achievements. And if they consider themselves failures, then it is difficult for them to recognize the successes of their children. One who does not respect himself is not capable of respecting others. Unfortunately, very often one can observe how the self-affirmation of some is carried out through the search for flaws or the depreciation of others. Sometimes this happens unconsciously, intuitively and habitually, and sometimes it is even emphasized as a leading life principle: "Mistakes must be found in order to get rid of them."

3. Children often follow a path in which parents recognize themselves (parent scenario). By warning and scolding children, they actually criticize themselves in the past” (N. Manukhina).

The most important thing is to understand in time that children have grown up. Otherwise, the children have no choice but to distance themselves from their parents or even get rid of them, like old ballast, by leaving somewhere far away. What a respect and gratitude...

The basis of the requirements of respect for parents is the judgment that an elderly person deserves respect just because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to my age ...”).

However, as cruel as it sounds, in theory, an older person deserves respect:

- for the fact that he took care of us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care;

Over the years, he has gained invaluable life experience.

Thank you for your care, no doubt - you cared as best you could and really have the right to expect reciprocal support from us. Expect, not demand (no matter how outraged many parents are!).

“Parents and teachers are primarily givers, while children and students are takers. True, parents also receive something from their children, and teachers from their students. But this does not restore balance, but only softens its absence. But parents themselves were once children, and teachers were once students. They repay their debt by passing on to the next generation what they received from the previous one. And their children and students have the same opportunity.”

(Hellinger B.I.)

In fact, it is generally wrong to consider this process as a return of a debt. After all, it is impossible to repay the debt for the life that our parents gave us. Such a debt can never be "repaid". And the demand to return it causes a protest from the children: “I don’t owe you anything”, “Educating me, you only fulfilled your parental duty” (moreover, for many children: “Parental debt grows as it is paid off” (G. Malkin), “I don’t asked me to give birth." If life and caring for us is a duty, then it can only be returned to those from whom it was taken. Such a point of view stops the flow of life, giving rise to guilt, despair and anger in children, and in parents who are "thrown" , not returning what they borrowed, a feeling of the meaninglessness of the life lived. Another thing is if we consider the relationship between parents and children as a contribution to their development. “A contribution is the provision of the results of one’s achievements to someone on contractual terms: at interest, in exchange for something, under certain conditions that are clear to both parties. Debt is a burden, investment is support. By investing in children, parents can hope to receive a "percentage" in old age: their attention, help, care. what parents got from their parents, when they were children themselves. This is what their children will give to their children. They will give it, but not give it away ”(N. Manukhina). Therefore, it is important to educate children who understand that in life it is necessary not only to take, but also to give. Otherwise, accusations of insufficient investment are inevitable, or even a depreciation of the parental contribution (not given, given, but not that, etc.)

Is it possible to fix such a relationship? In the vast majority, it is possible (would be a desire). How? Decide to start a dialogue. Understand mutual expectations (after all, they are not always obvious to the other side!). Express your feelings, because where there is such hatred, there is always love. It's just that mutual grievances do not give her the opportunity to "go outside", like a tombstone blocking access to freedom from mutual accusations, criticism, discontent. Those parents who sincerely rejoice in the achievements of their children always remain necessary and desirable for them. Their children recognize that their parents taught them many good and useful things. The recognition of the other makes oneself free. And then there is the joy of communication. And words of acceptance, gratitude to each other (namely each other) sound. And you can always agree on how this communication will take place. Like an "adult" with an "adult". Indeed, normally, parents do not live only for the sake of their children, only their lives, they have their own interests, build relationships with many people. Do not store all "savings" (deposits) in one bank ...

With respect for the life experience of parents is more difficult. Life experience is valuable if it makes a person wiser. But if once the elderly were, in essence, the bearers of the tradition passed on to the next, rising generations, then in our time this is not necessarily the case. As for wisdom, it is by no means inherent in many of the representatives of the older generation. If something gains over the years, then it is rather an insult to the whole world, combined with an unending desire to get into the lives of long-grown children. Wisdom involves expanding the picture of the world, taking into account great life experience. And, consequently, greater flexibility and tolerance for others, which are based on the knowledge of people, the understanding that we are all different from each other, and respect for individuality.

The conflict of "fathers and children" is eternal. Any society is a system of interaction between age strata, and its development is a successive change and continuity of generations, which is always selective: some knowledge, norms and values ​​are assimilated and passed on to the next generations, others that do not correspond to changed conditions are rejected or transformed.

Parents and children look at the world from different points of view. Children want change, parents hold back the progress that children bring about, so that the transition from the old to the new goes more smoothly. “Young people think that old people are stupid, but old people know that young people are stupid!” (Agatha Christie). It is important not to forget about mutual respect (namely, mutual, and not to hide behind the phrase “an egg doesn’t teach a chicken”), to recognize the right to dissent.

So who should start moving towards (if there is a desire to improve relations)? Children or parents?

The one who is wiser.

Tina Usalevich,

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