What are the worst mistakes parents make? How does a child feel when he is compared with others or brought up in public? How to manage not to say “Put on a hat”, “Finish the soup”? The teacher Dima Zitser tells.

The main parental sin is pride

- I would like to talk about the worst mistakes that parents can make when communicating with their children. About parental sins, practically.

- The main parental sin, it seems to me, coincides with the main human sin, pride. There is nothing wrong with pride in and of itself. But the conviction grows out of her that I am the main one, responsibility for the child grows out of her at the level of enslavement. It is necessary to treat yourself easier, although this only comes with age.

Is comparison scary? Big mistake?

- The root of comparing everything with everything is in us: we are not enough of ourselves as we are. We do not believe, due to various circumstances, in particular, our own upbringing, that we are cool. And so we try to have something to grab on to, so that at least our child is the coolest.

“But maybe it’s good for a child to be compared with someone else. Maybe he wants to become better than the other child.

When a child is compared to someone else, several things happen to him. Number one thing: the younger I am, the more important mom and dad are to me, and I believe them unconditionally. If mom and dad tell me that I'm worse than Pavlik, my faith in myself begins to crumble. For the first time, I begin to understand that perhaps I need to live not in such a way that it would be interesting, but in such a way as to overtake Pavlik.

You can do this in many ways: smear his notebook with ink, deceive your mother and say that Pavlik received two on the control. We get a completely different mechanism, the mechanism of competition, which has nothing to do with self-development.

Is it a good mechanism or a bad one? This is a different conversation. But if we are talking about the human in us, then he should not work here. I think readers themselves can remember how it happens here. For example, we are calmly driving along the road in a car, and suddenly for some reason it becomes super important for us to overtake someone. Why and how this happens is unknown, we just suddenly press the gas with all our might and rush forward. And just at this moment it is curious to fix the sensations inside oneself.

We can talk about the nature of this feeling. I have been thinking a lot in recent months about the idea of ​​the human and the animal in us. Obviously, we have both. It seems to me that one of the goals of human existence is to get closer to the human principle and get away from the animal.

How are we different from animals? Free will. Animals cannot say "yes" or "no" to themselves.

The animal nature in us is precisely the desire to survive: to catch the best female or male, overtake a man on the road and, finally, defeat Pavlik. Otherwise, someone else will do all this instead of us.

But here's the problem: over the past few thousand years, and readers have probably heard about it, a lot has changed. The instincts remain, but everything else has changed. The tension between these two poles is human life.

At that moment, when I'm driving on the road and it works for me "I have to overtake him", it would be nice to turn on the human principle. Ask yourself the question: "Why?"

- Another instinct: your offspring must survive!

- Yes, that's why "put on a hat", "finish your soup" and so on! When this instinct turns on in my head, I say to myself: “Dima, wait. The child himself feels whether he is warm or cold. Whether he is full or hungry. Everything is fine".

The same with food: I understand why our ancestors ate the first, second and third, especially those from the north, otherwise they would have died. But now it is no longer so, and it is important to realize this.

Manipulation - violence in a humane way

- The next common mistake is manipulation, is it scary?

Let's first agree on what it is. In my formulation, manipulation is deception. When we do something, we teach it to the next generation, this is an obvious thing. The way we behave shows our children the way to behave.

Sometimes parents say: “She (or he) is such a manipulator!”. Well, that's how you taught him. If my parents deceive me over and over again, saying that Baba Yaga comes for those who do not eat up porridge, or a policeman who has enough imagination for what, of course, I will quickly master this technique myself.

Why is it so easy for parents to slip into manipulation? Are they effortless?

— The temptation to use force in a humane way, as it were. Imagine an example: I poured soup for a child, the child made a shipwreck there, he did not eat the soup. My instinct kicked in again: my offspring won't survive if they don't eat this soup. I am a mother, I have to make sure that the child eats.

I can tie him to a chair, open his mouth with a special mouth opener and pour soup into it. But it's kind of inconvenient.

Let me trick him. There are many ways to cheat. Do you remember the example of the ingenious Dragunsky in "The Secret Becomes Clear"? And brilliantly, by the way, the state of Deniska is described. This is the number one way when we use training: "You finish the soup - you'll be fine."

There is a more complicated and perverse way: "Whoever does not eat soup will always have small hands, he will not marry, he will never grow up."

- It seems to me that a person does not always keep track of what he is now manipulating. And he sincerely believes that he is doing the best.

Moreover, he has the right to do so. We are people, our basic right is to make mistakes and stumble. Well, they stumbled, brushed themselves off, thought and moved on. And this “let's move on” is a rather important point. Of course we fall into it. What parent doesn't get heartbroken when their child goes outside without a scarf, and dad thinks it's very cold there? The question is not whether my heart will ache, the question is what I will do about it.

If a child promised to come home at 9 pm, and he is not at 9, 10, or 11, and the phone does not answer, what parent does not go crazy? The question is what do I do when I go crazy. I am walking the path of enslavement: I will tie him to the battery, he will not go anywhere at all, and I will be calm. It's not human, but it's there. The human way is more complex, full of doubts, conflict and reconciliation, compromise, reflection.

Self-righteousness is not indifference

- Is there such a parental sin - indifference? Dad lies on the couch, watches TV, and sends the child to play on the tablet. Does it happen that parents are really not interested in their children?

- I would say that this is not a conversation about indifference. I have the right to do what interests me. In most cases, I should not rush at the first call to the child, postponing everything I was doing. Mom is sitting, reading a book for her own pleasure, a child comes running, it is very important for him to do something with mom right now.

At this moment, the mother, by her own example, can teach the child an important skill - awareness of her own needs: "I have the right to do what interests me now." And take one minute to tell what pleasure is. This is absolutely, not at all indifference, but on the contrary, this is the right to oneself. The right to oneself is what I read, what I wear, with whom and how I make friends, this is awareness. If we could teach all the children in the world this right to ourselves, and then also pass it on to adults, then that's it, we would enter the kingdom of prosperity.

- There is such an anecdote. Mom looks out the window and shouts to her son: “Go home!” “Mom, am I cold?” "No, you're hungry!" What's going on with the parent here?

- The sin of thoughtlessness, I would say, if you use your terminology. What's going on with mom? Mom's dad brought a mammoth from the store, and her basic instinct worked again: urgently feed her son. Otherwise, the mammoth will be eaten by other people. I have a message for my mother: the mammoth will not go anywhere, it will lie in the same place in an hour.

And if suddenly they really eat it, then we will go around the corner, to the store, and buy cheese, bread and dumplings there. At this point, it’s fun to stop and ask the question differently: “Do you want to eat?”. By the way, this is an important maternal issue: children really flirt. It only takes a second, one second, not to fall into thoughtlessness.

“You still need to learn how to catch it.

- There is a tool that does not fail. And I have thousands of testimonials that it works. Take one deep breath. I opened the window to call out to Pavlik. I took a deep breath. And closed the window. Or he opened it, breathed in: “Pavlik, are you hungry?” - "Not!" “I’m hungry, let’s go eat!” And that's all.

It's good that we talked about it. I understand that we must continue to search for words. Very often people say to me: "No, it's impossible, it's not a magic wand, that's all." This is not a magic wand, this is a specific and very simple tool, and it does not cost any money. Try it. He gives us a head start of three seconds, and more time is not needed.

And then there will be a choice: either let go, or feed and arrange a primitive system. But in any case, it will be a conscious choice. And without a choice, we again return to the animal nature, without a choice we say: “Finish the soup!”.

How parents can betray their children

Betrayal is probably the most terrible parental sin. How do parents betray their children? And how can they stop doing it?

How can parents betray their children? First of all, self-doubt. Let's start with the simplest betrayal: we are walking up the stairs, my child is jumping and making noise, the neighbor clicks her tongue, and at this moment I suddenly demonstrate that the neighbor is dearer to me than my child. They will ask me: what, let the child make noise in the entrance?

But to make some noise is the nature of childhood. The neighbor will come home and calm down or not calm down. It's how she likes it.

In this situation, the main message that I send to my child is: “You are my most beloved and important person, not a neighbor, but you.” And how to send this message, you already need to think a little.

Another betrayal in its purest form is school parent-teacher meetings. When I allow another person to talk about my loved one behind his back, and even in the presence of other people. And then, having returned home, I put this opinion at the forefront and begin to reprimand my loved one. We can deceive ourselves all we want, but this is pure betrayal.

Another example is about grandmothers. It's painful and really difficult. Grandmother begins to build a person: now you need to eat, now you need to go to bed. This is not pure betrayal, but if we do not protect our loved one, we do not even explain to him what is happening, this is the same story.

If I understand that my child does not sleep during the day, well, he does not want to sleep, and my grandmother needs him to sleep for an hour and a half, even if he is crying, then he simply does not go to his grandmother. You can not make a person a hostage of their relationship with a third party. Yes, I can have a difficult relationship with my parents, well, that means I have to sort them out, I'm an adult. You need to talk, yes, sometimes you need to conflict, you can go to a family psychologist together, you can do a lot of things. This is an adult relationship and adult responsibility. But don't tear the child apart.

I felt that now I would just shove this nipple into her mouth

- What is Dima Zitzer's biggest mistake as a dad?

- I have three children. The eldest daughter was born when I was 21 years old. I remember very well that I was absolutely sure then, I confess that crying is not good. That a parent must do everything so that the child does not cry. I was so stupid that I did not even wonder where this belief comes from. I remember that irritation when she cried.

And I remember how I got through it. Small one-room apartment. My daughter is about a year old, she lies in the crib, I stayed alone with her and rehearsed something at this time. And now she is crying, I go to her, take a nipple along the way, raise my hand and understand that I have a very tense muscle in my arm. And that now I'll just shove this nipple into her mouth.

And then I get really scared. Such a powerful moment of awareness. I was very scared, very. And then I began to think about it, began to pay attention, began to see what was happening. The second I got scared, it gave birth to a chain of thoughts: how is this happening, what is coming after.

Another mistake is related to the middle daughter. The eldest was born when we were very young nihilists, we hung out and did not worry about anything, and she hung out with us. The youngest is already hanging out with us, because we have accepted that this is a very correct way to live. And the middle one fell on the time of our formation and occupation by ourselves.

Her growth was quite strong and sharp for us. If we talk about what I would change when she was 4, 5, 6 years old, I would take her everywhere with us a lot more, spend a lot more time with her. It so happened that I, myself, did not get this pleasure - to be with her little.

Then it seemed to me, well, what is there, a small child is a small child, we are still good parents, she is loved. But today I would spend as much time as possible with her. Proceeding simply from the fact that loved ones cannot, in most cases, interfere with each other.

A mature man. Version 1.0 Novoselov Oleg Olegovich

Betrayal by the mother of the son

Betrayal by the mother of the son

Let's try the "holy". There is a female proverb: "A mother raises a son for another woman." Let's figure out what's the matter here.

The mother most often brings up the boy in the spirit: “You are a man, you must ...” He must take care of the woman. About children. Must provide for them. Gotta love. Gotta trust. He must be noble, that is, take care of children, not even his own. Must leave the woman an apartment and property during a divorce. Must... Must... Must... And the child believes in his beloved mother. He must become a real man! And he is very proud when he does something for her, and he will be called that.

And almost never does a mother teach her son to think about his own interests. On the contrary, when he takes a candy, he is scolded and beaten on the hands, "who will grow out of you." And in a conflict with a girl, even if she is not right, but he is right, they punish him, “you are a man, you must give in.” And he never teaches to be guided by common sense when evaluating his own and other people's actions. Henpecked dad (if he exists at all, if he hasn’t already been thrown out of his apartment behind the dating barrier once a month under the supervision of a bailiff) echoes mom and threatens with a punishing belt if son doubts mom’s words, and dad will be distracted from a football match on the TV screen with her indignant squeal. Thus, the son is brought up incapable of thinking in the category of his own interests, blind and easy to manage as a tool of a woman-mistress. Which he must regard as the supreme being and serve as its functional appendage. The son is not being trained as a leader, but as a low-ranking one.

That is, a mother, knowing that her son will be used by another woman, a priori prepares him as an object of consumption for another, even an unfamiliar woman, and in her interests. That is, women's corporate solidarity is placed by the mother a priori above the interests of her own child. A mother betrays her son (to know about the danger that threatens the child and not to warn him, but, on the contrary, to expose him to a blow - what could be more monstrous?!).

Why is this happening? There are two reasons:

1. Because of simple mutual responsibility, akin to criminal. If a mother opens her son's eyes to women's methods of controlling men and brings him up in the spirit of fighting for his own interests, then she herself will lose the lion's share of the levers of control over him. It's easier to bring him up as a slave, and then agree with the new owner on joint exploitation. Besides, how will she be able to manage his father in front of her son if she explains to her son the essence of women's management methods? Sheer inconvenience.

2. Women may actually be sincerely convinced that a man can only be happy by being consumed, being in a subordinate state. A very comfortable position, it neutralizes the instinct to protect offspring and conscience, if any, which is a unique phenomenon for women. And mothers believe that they are raising their sons properly. True, there are rare situations in hindsight that "psychologists" serving the matriarchal culture of family exploitation of men interpret as mother's jealousy. This is when the whole depth of her betrayal begins to reach the mother, when she sees how an outside aunt has her child with special cynicism. She tries to intervene in the relationship, but it's too late. The son is already zombified and not subordinate to her. And there are very rare cases when a mother tries to explain to her son the true essence of women's games with men. Much more often, it is unpleasant for a mother to see that her son has been freed from female power: “It’s so hard with you, you are completely uncontrollable, you need to get married again.” And even after a woman robs her son during a divorce, makes him unhappy and breaks his life, the man’s mother will still maintain a relationship with her. And on occasion, he will try again to expose his son to her blow.

And in very unique cases, mothers teach their sons to live primarily in their own interests, even in relationships with women.

When I was collecting material for this book, I asked different women the question: “Why does a mother betray her son by raising him as a commodity for an outside woman?” Here are typical answers. “I didn’t think about it”, “Difficult question” (dodging the answer). “That's the way it should be”, “It's the way of God”, “This is the only way a man will be happy” (an attempt to silence the voice of conscience). “Women are in solidarity with each other”, “I am also a woman, how can I manage it myself then?” (attempts to be honest). “And some sisters unite with mothers and help brothers and sons not to be consumed” (a unique answer, grab such a woman, get married and never let go of yourself). But the most remarkable thing is that in all cases (more than a hundred) when I asked this question, not a single woman objected to me on the merits. And this fact suggests that the betrayal of one's own child is always conscious, planned and cold-bloodedly carried out.

ATTENTION! Do not ask this question to women you know. They will understand that you are smart, therefore, dangerous and will cut you off from their controlled men. And also form a negative public opinion about you. In general, avoid unnecessarily discussing topics covered in this book with women you know. It's safer to do this with strangers. This is how a woman who understands the problem of betrayal by the mother of her son's interests describes this phenomenon: “I talked to a friend before the holidays. Her son is still in 2nd grade. There are, of course, no romantic relationships between boys and girls yet. It's probably something "preceding". But how hard it is for Zhenya! He complains all the time: "What do they want from me?!" Because these small ulcers get him all the time. I don’t know how they tease, what they say, how they make him out of patience, but it’s very difficult for him to endure. And he can hit back. Not a word. And the thing. Give a diary on the head. Kick the briefcase. Pull on the braid. And all that stuff. And then, when mom comes to class, she is surrounded by five offended princesses with clear eyes, who tell her how rude and angry her boy is:

Why does he always think that everyone offends him?

Why is Zhenya so angry? Why does he have so much anger? - Tiny Lily asks so naively, looking innocently into her eyes.

Then the mother begins to somehow try to figure it out, initially taking the position of girls. Poor weak girls. He makes Zhenya ask for forgiveness, promise not to fight again ... And Zhenya repeatedly explains HOW girls should be treated, trying to instill in him a careful, caring attitude. "They are weak, and you must protect them, but in no case offend them." But he no longer perceives this banality, because he sees that none of them are weak. Not at all. Their evil tongues cause him much trouble. Of course, the easiest way is to piss off the guy, and then come and complain to his mother. And the next day, tease him again, knowing that he DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to touch you, otherwise he will again come out bad and guilty .... In short, a friend asks for advice ... And I can't advise anything - except to let go of the situation and take Zhenya's place, instead of taking the place of other people's children. But I’m silent - because I’m not sure if the advice is right ... After all, teaching a son to defend himself is no less important than teaching him to respect others and not to use hand strength on every occasion and for no reason.

Among my acquaintances there is one guy ... And his mother, who does not have a soul in him. He is in his fourth year of college. Modest, kind, sympathetic, caring, does everything that his beloved mother says, takes care of her. And she takes care of him. Sasha, you don't eat this, you'd better eat that... Sasha, put on a scarf... And Sasha eats what mom said and puts on a scarf... And he hasn't had women yet. And in his computer, instead of hard porn, he has sleek photographs of standardized beauties against the backdrop of fantastic landscapes ... He cannot imagine either women or relationships with them. I think I have the gift of a soothsayer. Some scorched person who has experienced everything will see him at the right time in the right place, casually take him into her arms, psychologically crush him, completely depersonalize him, tie him up as a child from his lover and will milk and squeeze him all his life, until his end. And the heart of a “loving” mother will be calm, she will be touched that her son is under supervision ...

Idyll...

However, another kind of mother's betrayal is no less common, when the mother raises the child as a servant for herself, blocking his independence and personal life. However, we will analyze this case in the section on surrogate men.

Betrayal. Treason He has all the properties of a dog except fidelity. Samuel Houston If you keep a dog on a leash, don't expect it to be attached. Andre Wilmeter I love treason, but not traitors. Augustus, Roman Emperor Betray only their own. french