“I can do everything myself” is a worthy, but dangerous position. Since it so happened that you are now the only adult who is always “on duty”, one day this may end in psychological burnout and a nervous breakdown. Remember the rule “First put on the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the child” - and act. Feel free to ask friends for help: sometimes a simple conversation becomes a good support. Evaluate your resources: it may be worth delegating some responsibility to the father of the child, involving grandparents (on both sides) in the care, or hiring a nanny.
MUMS TALK
Tatyana Murzina:"I can do it myself" was my motto for several years. I know how to include a superhero in me and get a strange, but satisfaction from this. Apparently, that's why I sometimes flirt. Gradually I began to learn to ask for help.
Elena Andreeva:“When you work and you have two children who are sick, study, want a million different things, honestly, there is simply no time to think that you can be weak. I thought like this: “When there is a person who can be trusted, then and relax.” That’s exactly what happened later.”
Olga Semenova:“A lot has to be done by myself. But more often my question was not about refusing help, but about the fact that there was nowhere to get it from. For example, I had to get up very early, take the child to a kindergarten 30 km away, and after work, rush to pick it up.
Anna Kachurovskaya:“I have two children, and when we were three, it seemed that nothing would change - after all, there is a nanny, there is strength, work and money. But this did not save. Raising children without a second adult turned out to be very, very difficult. Especially emotionally. The fact is that in our society, where every second family is incomplete, there is no respect and sympathy for a woman with children. Everyone thinks: "The usual story, she has a nanny, which she complains about." Therefore, we must learn to feel sorry for ourselves, but not I have two rules: firstly, take care of yourself, this is the same oxygen mask, and secondly, remember that it doesn’t matter at all whether you have the strength or not - you have to get up and go to school or wherever you have to go."
2. YOU CHOOSE TO FOCUS ONLY ON YOUR CHILD
Or maybe dedicate your whole life to it - although, of course, you don’t say this out loud. Firstly, it is fraught with problems in the future: being the center of the universe for someone and the only reason to live is an unbearable burden even for an adult, not to mention a child. Secondly, where is the guarantee that after many years you will not tell your son or daughter something like: “I gave you everything, but you ...”?
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“Until the son went to the second grade, it was like that: work, home, all the time with his son. I didn’t understand: after all, if I can do everything, then why does everything get a little bit, but worse? Determined to change everything. I felt that this path was wrong, and together with the psychologist, another was found.
Olga:“Honestly, I always considered this position stupid and short-sighted, so I didn’t suffer from such nonsense. It is known that happy children grow up with happy mothers. Another thing is “we are good together”, I don’t see anything wrong with that. worked, got into debt, got out as best she could. But she did not sacrifice her life to the child. "
3. YOU HAVE GUILT
For example, for spoiling a child's life - because of your decision to divorce, he grows up in an incomplete family, and this, of course, will negatively affect his psyche, development and fate. Or for the fact that communication with dad is now taking place according to a difficult schedule. Or because you are looking for a new relationship because you want to be happy again. But the feeling of guilt is a poor helper in education, and the child will quickly understand how easy it is to manipulate a guilty mother.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“It is impossible to catch and “turn off” the feeling of guilt in time. I constantly think that I ruined, and continue to ruin my son's life. I didn’t do homework with him, didn’t watch a movie together, didn’t read, didn’t hug.
Elena:“I was tormented by the thought that for the sake of the children it is necessary not only to live with their father, but also to pretend that everything is fine with us.”
Olga:“Yes, the feeling of guilt, unfortunately, remains. Even if the decision to divorce was not yours. It seemed to me that my mistakes ruined my daughter's life. After all, I married the wrong person, behaved incorrectly during a divorce, and so on. Other children spend time with mom and dad, and my daughter and I go everywhere together ... "
Anna:“Only mothers who are not at all reflective do not feel guilty: I didn’t have time here, I didn’t read it there. Those who live with a second adult also have a sense of guilt. I decided for myself that there are things that I can not influence. For example, I do not have time to read to my children every day before going to bed. I also scream when my patience runs out. Surely they will have claims against me in adolescence. I can’t change that, if they grow up, they will solve these issues with a psychoanalyst.”
4. YOU MAKE THE CHILD THE MAIN FRIEND AND PARTNER
You are left alone, and it seems to you that your son or daughter has already grown up enough to understand you. You discuss your emotions and problems with your child on an equal footing, including financial ones, share worries and fears with him. In fact, you turn him into a "deputy" of your partner. But in order for the world to remain stable and safe for the child, the roles in it must be clearly and precisely distributed: there are adults, there are children.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“When my son grew up, I certainly had to truthfully answer his questions, for example, why can’t we afford a new car, movie popcorn and other things that are available to his friends and classmates. One winter we gathered early in the morning to the cinema — tickets are cheaper. It was dark, Stepan did not understand at first why I was waking him up so early, he asked - do we have a plane? We got to the cinema, bought tickets for a trifle from Stepa's piggy bank and were the only spectators in the hall. My son felt this and understands now that not everything needs to be bought.
Olga:“I know that some do this, especially if the children are already quite large. I escaped such a fate, our life together with my daughter lasted from her birth until the age of 8. I have never been tempted to share problems with a little girl who has a lot of her own. including health."
Anna:“There are children, there are adults, but we live one life. These are my children, we discuss their problems, I talk about mine from the top. Otherwise, what kind of family are we?
5. YOU AVOID THE QUESTION "WHERE'S DAD?"
Or you react very emotionally to it. The more secrecy, the sooner the child will feel your tension, confusion, or the pain and resentment that has not yet subsided from parting. Are you worried about what your son or daughter will do in kindergarten or school when the question of dad comes up? Yes, nothing special, today the situation “parents live separately” is absolutely commonplace. Avoid questions! It’s enough for a kid to say: “Dad has his own house” or “Dad doesn’t live with us now.” With a child over 7 years old, you can already talk about this topic in more detail: maybe you were married, but then decided to go your own way or never lived with dad at all. Be sure to specify that you both love the child, it's just that life happened. The more calmly you yourself relate to the situation, the more naturally the child will perceive it. Families are very different: a man and a woman without children, mother, father and children, father, children and grandmother, mother and children. The two of you are a family, small, but completely complete.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana: “I always honestly explained and explain, dad lives separately, because our - mine and his - story is over. And to the son’s question, “Why did it start then?” - answered: "To make you - and it worked out very well with your dad."
Olga: “My daughter's dad lived separately almost from the very beginning of her life, and the situation when she meets with dad on Sundays was familiar to her. Questions began much later, at the age of 9-10″.
6. You talk negatively about your child's father
The fact that you broke up (and why you did it) is exclusively your adult business, and there is no need for the child to know who offended whom and with what. The more constructive and friendly your communication with your ex-spouse is, the calmer and more prosperous your children's life will be. So bury the hatchet, never sort things out in the presence of a child, and try, firstly, to agree, and, secondly, to discuss all the terrible qualities of a father with friends, and preferably with a psychologist. And the child will grow up - and he will understand everything, be sure.
mothers say
Tatiana:“I always ask my son to call, write to dad, invite him to visit. I tell him how similar he is to his father in some quality. In short, only good things about dad.
Elena:“Families are different for everyone, here we have a “small but very complete family,” I say to my son when he does not want to have dinner with me, but wants to run away to his room. It is difficult for any offended woman to show such generosity, so as not to betray her offense with her tone or look when communicating with a child on this topic. I think the way out is to give out the maximum good that you can tell him about dad in calm periods of life and communication.
7. You give up your privacy.
How can you do anything other than educate, because now your life belongs to the child? Sometimes grandmothers also add fuel to the fire, evaluating your maternal qualities as a C grade and regularly directing you, unlucky, to be true. But in order to have enough energy, it is important to restore it in time (and have sources for recovery). So work at a job you love, meet friends, play sports and hobbies, and the more satisfied you feel in life, the more strength you will have to love your child.
mothers say
Elena:“It’s funny when a single mom goes to dances, and doesn’t run home after work to see her baby’s face while he’s still awake. I sincerely resent this advice!”
Olga:“I did not give up my personal life, I had and have wonderful friends. When my daughter was a year old, I started ballroom dancing and gave this occupation a few wonderful years. Another thing is that I was more attentive to who and how I communicate. The child sometimes makes you see from the outside what you are doing and who is next to you.
8. You avoid contact with "full" families
Perhaps because you are afraid of feeling sad or awkward, or because the child will feel uncomfortable. But do not think that now you should be friends exclusively with "comrades in misfortune." On the contrary, a wide circle of communication will increase the boundaries of your world and give the child the opportunity to see a variety of behaviors. The more calmly you yourself perceive the existence of your small family as the norm, the less doubts will arise in the child.
mothers say
Olga:“Yes, it was really painful sometimes. Of course, we talked with friends, but when I saw with what eyes my daughter was looking at dads playing with children, it hurt me.
9. You are in a hurry to start a family again: you urgently need a new husband, and the children need a new dad
And this time you will not repeat the mistakes made earlier - everything will be different! Psychologists are sure that if you hurry, it will definitely not be “different”, and for a child, a series of “mother's friends” can only become another trauma. And, on the contrary, if you allow yourself to live without relationships for some time, the chance to build new, more successful ones is much higher. By giving yourself enough time, you will better understand your wants and needs, what kind of relationships you need and what you yourself are willing to invest in them. Yes, the criteria for choosing a life partner will now be different, more stringent: it is important that your chosen one can find a common language with the child. But that will be a completely different story.
mothers say
Tatiana:"No one is safe from mistakes. I'm not in a hurry to search, and in general, as it turned out, my haste does not speed up any of my processes. Of course, I would be happy to meet my man: partner, father to son, my love. Even if it is happens very late, then I hope he will find contact with my already big son and, maybe, will not be against adoption.
Elena:“Mom and baby are better when mom is happy. I do not understand happiness from conscious loneliness. You need to look for a husband, put it in your plan, but not intrusively, but reasonably and thoughtfully. Thinking that everyone should be good from this.
Olga:“It’s definitely necessary to live single. The second time I got married eight years later, and it was a decision based, among other things, on the choice of my daughter. I didn’t want to get married as soon as possible after a divorce. On the contrary, in the first years I learned to flirt again , go on dates. At some point, I generally abandoned the idea of \u200b\u200ba new marriage, but then life decided everything for me.
New family models are gradually taking the place of traditional families consisting of father, mother and child. Families "single" make up approximately 20% of all families with children, and in 90% of cases it is the mother who brings up her children alone. And although there are more and more incomplete families, society often does not fully recognize the proper social status of such families.
Is it embarrassing to be single?
Single mothers very often face the fact that their usual environment begins to reject them, and state institutions lower their status compared to traditional families. The traditional family in this case is exemplary for society. When a woman stays in an incomplete family, she begins to realize that she no longer belongs to this social group of traditional complete families. And often and in general ceases to feel his belonging to any social group.
Anna, 36, divorced after 10 years of marriage: “I was left with my two children in some kind of social vacuum. Most of my married friends have significantly reduced or stopped contact with my family. They believe that a single woman is a threat to their family happiness. And in part they are right, because some of the husbands of my ex-girlfriends really began to show an increased interest in me, and a couple of “exemplary” family men made unambiguous offers in general. It is very difficult to be a single mother. Even at school, they started looking at my children differently.”
Leroux, 24, was abandoned by her common-law husband at 4 months of pregnancy: “The hardest thing is not even his departure, but the views of others. All the time while I was in the hospital, nurses and nannies asked me about the "happy father." And when I answered that there was no father, they began to look at me with pity and even with contempt. Sometimes they even said: “Oh, sorry!”, As if it was about someone who died.”
In order to survive and raise their children with dignity, single mothers need to be prepared for such an attitude of others and learn to resist it in a worthy way. First of all, you need to reconsider certain myths that have developed in society for yourself. For example, this: "A child brought up in an incomplete family will have psychological problems." In fact, numerous studies show that in complete families, the percentage of dysfunctional children is even greater than in single-parent families. The more such myths you debunk in your mind, the freer you will be from the opinions of others.
But there are two big dangers that single mothers should avoid. The first is too close a relationship with the child. A mother who devotes herself entirely to her child, forgetting about herself, does him a disservice. What matters is not the quantity, but the quality of the relationship and the time spent together. Even more, very many children, "strangled" by maternal attention, begin to feel rejection and hostility towards such a mother.
And here it can be very useful to help in the upbringing and activities with the child of a brother or father of a single mother, the grandfather of the child. In any case, a single mother should not take on both the roles of father and mother. She should try to find a close relative as a paternal example for the child. Moreover, such a father replacement is needed for both boys and girls. The boy needs a man whom he can take as an example for himself. Girls also need a close man as an example of a future husband. But it is better not to take on this role a new acquaintance of the mother, since the relationship with the surrogate father must be long-term.
The second danger is the creation of a too negative image of the departed father. The truth, no matter how bitter it may be, still needs to be told - the child must know his past and understand it. But there is no need to either idealize him or overly "devilize".
Personal life
It won't be easy either. After all, first you need to find the time and opportunity to "go out" to meet someone. But with no one: with a man who will agree to live with someone else's child. And not just agree to live under one roof - you also need to love someone else's child! And the child must be ready to accept a new man into his life. It is a very difficult task to be a good father, but even more difficult to be a good stepfather. Natural fathers have much more time to get used to their role as fathers, while stepfathers are forced to become fathers almost instantly.
Elena, 35, was left alone with two children: “A lot of problems hit me. Get the younger one to go to school, and the older one to go to the sports section, change an apartment, find new girlfriends (most of them were in the same situation as myself). And also a house, a job, a sick mother. I didn't have a single free minute for myself. And one day, as if a veil fell from my eyes - I turn into an aging aunt who spends her evenings in the kitchen and watching TV! I changed my life dramatically. I learned to manage my time better, hired a babysitter - an old neighbor's woman. And I began to communicate more with friends and "go out" - to exhibitions, to the cinema, to clubs. That is how I met the man who will soon become my husband. It is true that at first I felt guilty towards my children for the fact that the time that I could spend with them, I dedicate only to myself. But it is unlikely that they liked that eternally preoccupied with domestic problems, neglected woman, which I was immediately after the divorce. My children are happy to see me happy. The main thing is to break out of the routine, which sucks like a real quagmire.
Even if you rarely left the house to have fun before, be sure to make time for this. No matter how difficult it is psychologically. Don't despair, and happiness will find you.
A happy mother gives her child immeasurably more than an unhappy one.
Every single mother has her own story of loss: widowhood, failed or broken marriages. However, this is not at all lonely loneliness, because the key word here is “mother”, which means that somewhere nearby there is a second precious being - a child (children). Awareness of this removes the feeling of hopelessness, but does not eliminate the main problem - the feeling of guilt that your child is growing up in an incomplete, and therefore, in a somewhat inferior family ...
Guilty without guilt
The condemnation of others is built mainly on the false belief that a single mother has not done enough to ensure that her child lives in a complete family. Believe me, every woman will think a hundred times before deciding on such an unenviable fate. Those who give birth "for themselves" are considered proud, unable to sacrifice freedom for the sake of providing the child with an indispensable attribute of happiness called "dad in the house." And if the alleged dad is a complete egoist who does not know how to love anyone but himself? Or is a potential alcoholic a “wonderful” example for a child? Or is he himself still a child who, despite his forties and a tail, is not going to grow up? What is the use of this child? Just don’t ask rhetorically: “Where were her eyes before?”
Unfortunately, the list of lover's virtues does not always combine such qualities as an excellent boyfriend and a caring father of future children. And the best thing a woman who faces the choice of “married status - bad father of a child” or “single mother” can do is to listen to her intuition and not follow public opinion. Moreover, marriages that are concluded on the fly, without a special desire of both parties, are still doomed ...
Divorced women, too, are not particularly sorry for anyone: she didn’t bend enough for her husband, didn’t endure as much as it should be according to house building, that is, until the last day of her life. Or to a lunatic asylum, where such angelic patience of beatings, humiliation, betrayal and the eternal damnation of Russian women - alcoholism very often leads. Others forgive, even running for a beer for a hungover husband in the morning, covering the bruises with a scarf. For the sake of the children, for the sake of the family. And ask the child: what does it feel like to see how his mother is beaten by his own father? Scandals have never benefited the state of mind of children. And it is better that such fathers become Sunday - maybe, even if they lose their wife and children, they will understand what a full-fledged family is.
Getting rid of guilt - before society and before your children in the first place - that's what a single mother should do. It is clear that the destroyed union is the fault of both partners. But spending mental strength on self-flagellation is an extremely harmful occupation. If the relationship is already over, turn the page and start looking for pluses in your freedom. There will surely be a lot of them. What is worth, for example, the prospect of falling in love again - but already with the mind, that is, with a worthy applicant. Worthy of becoming a wonderful father to your children.
One more chance
Like it or not, but in order to bring up a harmonious personality, both maternal and paternal efforts are required. If a child does not have before his eyes an example of daily relationships, it will be very difficult for him to create and maintain his own family in the future. Therefore, the best thing a single mother can do for her child is to successfully marry. Moreover, taking into account the already existing experience, this is quite realistic. There would be a desire. Fortunately, a single mother with a child is no longer of particular interest to all sorts of egoists, swindlers and infantile personalities. Therefore, such unpromising comrades in terms of marriage automatically disappear. Genuine men come to the fore: not afraid of difficulties, independent, accomplished. And if, before the birth of children, a woman preferred to see a partner with a bright appearance, witty and sociable next to her, now beautiful boobies are the last thing she is interested in.
The most important thing is to find the father of the child. And if a man has enough intelligence and cordial sensitivity on the first date to ask a single mother at least a few questions about her beloved child, he is guaranteed a second date. At the same time, his age, appearance and financial situation will not play any role. Indeed, even in quite prosperous families, fathers are not always interested in their own offspring - what to expect from an outside uncle?
To paraphrase a well-known saying, it can be argued that the way to the heart of a single mother lies through love for her child. However, it is very important not to be deceived and not to accept gratitude for love. After all, you have to live with this man - you don’t get a nanny for a child, but a husband for yourself. Don't try to sacrifice yourself, you won't last long anyway. And how do you explain to a child the disappearance of this dad, to whom he has already managed to become attached?
Understand. Forgive
No one will yell under the windows of the hospital: “Thank you, my love!” All this is very difficult to forgive the failed dad. However, you will have to forgive, because hatred and condemnation will destroy you from the inside, and you need spiritual strength. The easiest way to do this is through compassion. After all, in fact, it is your ex who was left completely alone, and you are already forever! - with the most dear and beloved man together. And this man deprived himself of such great happiness - to watch how his child grows, to hear his first words, to help him take the first step. Have pity on the poor egoist and give him a helping hand (unless, of course, he is completely hopeless).
A smart mother will not forbid the father to see the child, will not interfere with their relationship. Of course, there is a very great temptation to tell children the cruel truth about their indifferent father, but by doing this, you first of all traumatize the children themselves. What will it be like for them to live with the thought that their father did not want them to be born? It is unlikely that they will be happier if they find out that he does not love them. The child must feel desired, loved, and by both parents. And who knows, maybe in the future this monster will be re-educated and something else will be useful to your children.
Right to Happiness
Unfortunately, most often single mothers, disappointed in men, put an end to their personal lives and are completely immersed in caring for children. They live someone else's life, making a sacrifice that no one needs - their right to happiness, for which they will certainly reproach their grown children, taking credit for what their son or daughter could well do without: overprotection, the dissolution of their own personality in children, dependence on their thanks.
But all psychologists unanimously assert that a happy mother will give her child immeasurably more than an unhappy one. After all, children are very sensitive, and the inner state of the mother is transmitted to them in ways unknown to science, as if an invisible umbilical cord continues to bind them. And the most useful thing you can teach your child is to be happy. Naturally, by example. If you have the opportunity to realize yourself both as a woman and in a career, do not miss this chance! Of course, it is very important that the child is not abandoned, but this usually does not happen with the children of single mothers. After all, they are loved for two - for themselves and for that guy.
There is no need to sacrifice yourself - no one will appreciate it. Unless it develops a sense of guilt in your children, and this destroys relationships very much. And, most likely, sooner or later they will simply run away so as not to see your unfortunate eyes. If you do not develop as a person, if you do not begin to respect yourself, will you have the right to demand respect from others? And even more so, you won’t deserve love by any sacrifice. Therefore, learn to be happy, because the most important thing for this you already have is your children.
What are the benefits for single mothers?
The employer does not have the right, on its own initiative, to dismiss a single mother with a child under the age of 14 (except in cases where a woman violates labor discipline and labor duties without good reason, if she has disciplinary sanctions, absenteeism, or in the event of liquidation of an enterprise, when dismissal is allowed with the mandatory employment of a woman). It is the responsibility of the employer to ensure that she is employed in the event of dismissal at the end of a fixed-term employment contract. For this period, she retains her average salary for a period not exceeding three months from the date of termination of the fixed-term employment contract.
According to Art. 183 of the Labor Code, single mothers are paid 100% sick leave for caring for a child under 14 and for a longer period than other women. In order for a single mother to have the opportunity to spend more time with her child, she is granted additional leave without pay for up to 14 days, which can be attached to the main leave or separate from it, at a time convenient for the single mother.
Without the consent of a single mother, she cannot be involved in night work, overtime work and work on weekends and holidays (Article 259 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation). For single mothers with children under 14 years of age, part-time work may be established at their request. This right is granted to them by art. 254 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The employer does not have the right to refuse employment or reduce the wages of such mothers because they have children (Article 64 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation). If a single mother raising a child under 14 years of age is denied employment, then the employer is obliged to provide her with an explanation in writing of the reason for the refusal. This document can be appealed to the courts.
The Village continues to find out how the personal budget of different people works.
This time we decided to talk to a woman who is raising a child alone. Various compensation payments to incomplete families, depending on the age of the child and other circumstances, range from 300 to
6 thousand rubles. Is it possible to live on this money and how to organize the budget, said the heroine from St. Petersburg.
Status
single mother
income
9 300 rubles
8 000 rubles- side job
800 rubles- child allowance
500 rubles- help from ex-husband
spending
3 500 rubles
communal payments
2 600 rubles
baby products
skin care
500 rubles
200 rubles
entertainment
2 500 rubles
Situation
When I was eight years old, my mother died, and I became independent early. For five years I studied at a music boarding school. Honestly, I hated the piano, but I always loved music - this is my passion and my life.
In my student years, I had my own rock band, and I really miss concerts and rehearsals, and music in general - now you have to listen not to rock, but to something childish and calm. I also graduated from art school and I like to draw, but still according to my mood.
After high school, I entered a pedagogical college. I entered the teacher, but in fact I was assigned to the wrong department, and as a result I became an educator, a teacher of fine arts for preschool children. But I initially wanted to be a teacher, and kindergarten is not mine. Now I'm thinking about how to find time to improve my skills or retrain. In general, I can do a lot, but this is not about that.
I had to work from the age of 15. I went to work early, because I had a bad relationship with my stepmother - until I moved to live separately. They never bought me clothes and what I wanted, and because I wore tattered clothes that were out of fashion, I was rotten at school. And I decided that I need to work on my own and buy what I want. Then my stepmother said that since I was working, I had to feed myself too. So I did, and then I realized that I am perfectly self-supporting and can live separately. At first I worked as a sales assistant: contrary to the law, I had a full 12-hour work day on a two-by-two schedule. I liked having my money and I liked this job. Then I worked as a cashier in the IKEA food department - that's where the hot dogs are. And I adored this place - despite the fact that they paid very little. I combined work with study, and I didn’t have days off. At some point, it became terribly hard, and I started skipping classes in college.
I also worked as a consultant at Reebok, but I didn’t like it there. Then there was "Connected". I had to plow like a horse, and at some point my health said: "Enough." The most unexpected work lay ahead. I was an auto mechanic at a service station. It's a delight: I absolutely love digging into cars. But there, too, they paid little, and yet it was difficult for the girl. Then I went to the Hyundai factory - I assembled bumpers and torpedoes on the assembly line. I loved this job: they paid well, full social package, fed, but one minus: I almost lived there, and my health began to fail.
Then I quit. And two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, although I had four conclusions from different doctors about infertility. It turned out that officially I'm not on maternity leave. When I was pregnant looking for a job, doors closed everywhere in front of my belly, and before it grew, I could not even get out of bed due to terrible toxicosis. Then she was left alone with the child - now he is already a year and ten months old, and I am 25 years old. My job is to be a mom.
Income
My husband and I stopped living together in May 2015. And officially divorced - since November of the same year. He does not pay child support. Once every three months, he can throw 2 thousand rubles, tearing him away from the heart. Now I'm just deciding the question of depriving him of paternity. So if we count the money received from the father of the child, it comes out to about 8 thousand for six months, and even then it is unstable. Officially, he must pay 9,000 rubles a month. Ah, if...
I really want my child to go to the garden and I could work. If my son had grandparents who could sit with him, then I would have been officially employed long ago.
Our schedule now is as follows: my child and I wake up around 11 o'clock in the morning. Then water procedures, breakfast, dressing, games, and from 12 o'clock I start answering questions from customers of the online store. This is my part-time job - I got it a month ago. I receive 50% of every order I place.
On average, 2 thousand rubles are received per week. How happy I am that I got the opportunity to work!
The most pleasant thing is that I have known true love. I am a mother! I got stronger. But I can't give my child what everyone has - that's the most annoying thing. Before I was offered a part-time job, of course, I was worried. Now I know what I have, what to cook soup from, and I'm happy. Of course, I want to buy him, for example, a scooter, but so far there is no such possibility.
And, of course, I want stability. And who doesn't want it?
There is no more income. My stepmother and sister sometimes help with groceries. I also find money for the rent: either I borrow it, or I sew something and sell it.
Expenses
For utilities, I pay 3,500 rubles a month - this is a part, my brother pays the rest. I have an apartment from my mother, but it is only my share. It also belongs to a brother and sister, but in general five people are registered here.
But only my brother lives here with a girl in one room, and I and my son live in another. Another item of expenditure is transport. I travel very little, mostly to visit my foster parents outside the city. I don't drive around town to save money. The road costs 500 rubles a month.
I buy food when the rent has already been paid and everything the child needs has been bought. Sometimes I eat every three or four days. Basically, I constantly drink tea so that the milk does not disappear and that my legs hold. If you show off, you can spend 5 thousand rubles a month on food. And so - 2-3 thousand rubles.
There is no special entertainment, since there is neither time nor money for it. Yes, and my son entertains me very well. I rest with my parents in the suburbs: there my stepmother has a house in the private sector. Although, of course, I want to drink coffee somewhere in a cafe or go to the cinema. From entertainment - a trip to IKEA. There we meet with friends and at the same time go to the "Children's World" to buy something for the kids using the children's card. We sometimes allow ourselves to drink tea at the IKEA restaurant. Over the past two years, this is the most luxurious restaurant for us, I do not leave more than 200 rubles there.
I easily gave up all entertainment. But I can't deny myself on the Internet. This is my vent. I keep a diary on instagram, and many of my subscribers do not let me lose heart and help me. I have an allergic child, he needs constant and expensive skin care. One tube of cream costs 1,600 rubles, plus other creams: one for 200 rubles, another for 140 rubles, plus simple children's creams for 40 rubles. This is enough for two weeks, and then you have to buy a new one. I used to open mini-gatherings so that my baby would not suffer, and my friends also helped with money for medicines. But now I can't open them anymore, because it's already impudent. So we make do with two creams: one costs
1,600 rubles, and the other - 200.
Having learned this, probably, many will not want to have children, but I want to say that children are worth all these trials and pain. This is the greatest joy! They both give strength and show that there is real life. We will pass these tests and become only better and stronger together. The only pity is that there are very few real fathers and women are forced to fight all their lives, becoming embittered against them.
The son will go to kindergarten on September 1 next year. I'm planning on going out to work at, say, McDonald's, but not full-time at first. Now the most difficult thing is to find a job that takes women with children. I think that I can’t count on more than 15 thousand rubles a month, but for me it’s a lot of money. Then I want to go to a correspondence course in college and become a teacher, just like I wanted to.
Illustration: Dasha Chertanova