Olga Krasnikova psychologist
Parents' frequent complaint "He doesn't want to (do homework, go to a club, play sports, etc.)" during the school year is usually resolved by pressure ("should"). In the summer, there seems to be no reason to press, and “He doesn’t want anything” takes on a new meaning: he doesn’t want to read, draw, go for a walk ... Psychologists believe that by forcing a child, parents do not allow his internal motivation to develop. Here's how it usually goes.
Method one: “need” instead of “want”
You can fight off the desire to “want something” at a very early age. For example, neglecting their own desires all the time, parents do not show the child how it is to “want”. Parents can be guided by the principle: “What does it mean “want or don’t want”? There is a word “must!”. Are you familiar with such an everyday attitude? Or: “No, no, thank you, I don’t want anything…” Often, parents who treat their desires this way ignore the desires of their child too.
Method Two: Kill Motivation
Another way to discourage desire is for a child to want something, and for this he is scolded or punished. The kid wanted to draw on the wall, painted - and they shouted at him for it, humiliated him, and then for another six months they remembered this offense ... The next time he wants to do something, he will remember that situation and restrain his desires.
It happens that a child really wants something, and his desires are stubbornly ignored. For example, he wants to be able to draw or color beautifully, accurately, but his hand still does not obey. And parents are reluctant to deal with him. Where the baby could expand its development zone with the help of adults, he remains alone. On their own, without outside help, a child cannot learn something complex. And then he refuses first from this, and then from other activities. After all, in order to continue to want to do something, you need to have experience of success.
Parents often complain: if you put pressure on him, he does it, if you don't put pressure on him, he doesn't do it. Unfortunately, this may mean that "I want" is already "broken". And this is often the case with adults. "I can't force myself!" they complain. Some are sincerely surprised: “But what, does it happen that you want to work not through force?” Normally, that's just how it should be. Normally, a person's motivation is not external, but internal. "Hands itch," although no one forces. Of course, this does not mean that a person should not make any effort! But he does not rape himself, does not tear himself, does not feel like a victim of circumstances.
Look at small children. These are perpetual motion machines, they can not be stopped! They have a huge stock of intrinsic motivation. Another thing is what we, adults, do with these engines, how we relate to this vigorous activity.
You need to be with the child all the time, watch him, help him. But we don’t feel like it, we are tired, we have enough things to do. And now the child hears: “Sit down!”, “Don’t make noise!”, “Don’t get involved!”, “Stop!”, “Stop!”, “Your head hurts me!”, “You completely tortured me!” . What child enjoys being "daddy's headache" and "mother's tormentor"? And he begins to restrain his desires, and now he does not interfere with anyone - he sits quietly at the TV all day or fights in a computer game. Only mom and dad are again dissatisfied for some reason: “Why are you not interested in anything, don’t want anything? I would go somewhere, do something…”
Method three: the desires of parents are stronger
“I don’t want” a child is also connected with the fact that parents sometimes want something more for him than he does. For example: “I dream that my son plays the flute!” or “If my daughter doesn’t learn English, I won’t forgive myself!”. The child feels that the parents are “vulnerable” in this area of life, and may begin to manipulate them: “I will not play the flute until you ...”
And since parents make a bunch of all sorts of mistakes when raising children, the child always has something to “revenge” them for. And when a son or daughter sees that his mother really wants something (although he actually doesn’t seem to mind either), he has a chance to punish his mother for not allowing him to do something. This happens on an unconscious level, but still the child begins to feel power over his mother. He notices how her face changes, and understands that now you can do anything with her, that she is ready to promise mountains of gold for him to go somewhere.
And if a mother wants this a little less than the child himself, she will not succumb to manipulation, because she is internally ready for the fact that the child may refuse, because, after all, this is his business ...
The question that parents should ask themselves is: why do I want so much that the child will certainly do this or that? In fact, it often happens - because I want to be a Good parent, and Good children always ... Then comes the stereotype. And that's the whole reason.
It happens that the child stubbornly refused to do something, but the mother insisted, and he nevertheless agreed - and as a result he was satisfied. Then it would be nice to ask: why did he refuse? But we have no time to talk with the child and sort out the situation. Making it easier... Easier?
Force or not?
If the child replies in monosyllables “I don’t know” to all questions and does not want to explain the reasons, then perhaps your contact with him has already been broken. Usually children are happy to talk about their experiences. In fact, it’s hard for them to deal with them, they want to deal with them. And if a child closes himself from his parents, it means that he does not trust, most likely, somewhere he was “transferred” to him.
Well, then the child gets used to it - and without pressure and prodding, he no longer wants to do anything. He almost asks: “Press, run over me, then I will do it!”. He was accustomed to the fact that the stimulus all the time comes from the outside, and his internal, his own motivation is completely undeveloped.
By the way, in adults, this habit manifests itself when they put off until the last what needs to be done, and then grab on to work under the pressure of deadlines and obligations. It seems, why arrange such an “extreme” for yourself? Couldn't it have been done before? It turns out that it is impossible - internal motivation was not enough, they were waiting for the external one to drive them up.
Some parents are perplexed: how not to force a child, because then, like Emelya from a fairy tale, he will lie on the stove all his life! You have to educate him! It’s a paradox: if you force a child (and an adult too) all the time, he will do everything to “lie on the stove”, and if you don’t force him, there is hope that he will suddenly want something ...
Discussion
Frankly, the article is too general. The person who wrote the article has little experience, apparently. I have been teaching 4 children at home for 15 years, we have tried different ways of learning and motivation. All have pros and cons. Now, if the article told how to motivate a child to do what is needed in any case. how willpower develops. And what's the point of saying, don't force, HELLO, but give an alternative?
01/04/2017 00:37:31, ZhannaComment on the article ""He does not want anything." 3 ways to discourage a child's desire to act"
More on the topic ""He does not want anything." 3 ways to discourage a child from the desire to act":
She comes from the garden and does not want to do anything, so she declares - I do not want to. On weekends, sometimes it can be in the mood. The fact is that a bad teacher can beat off all the desire to also study at home. If, for example, in the garden, a child is yelled at for doing something wrong.
Thanks for the ideas, we'll make it happen :)
When you find a way to show your child that to solve several examples of the same type every day, this is why, so that the school does not discourage anything, it is advisable to find a good child or at least not see a single child who has a desire to wash dishes.
She wants nothing. I ask every year - the answer is, well, one circle from last year and that's it ... Of course, the subject can be difficult, and this may not discourage the desire to study this subject, but only if the person (child) has a goal.
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They will act like this, sorry for the child. I think that in elementary school, in general, the main thing is not to discourage the desire to learn and give the child a sense of his success, and the rest, if necessary, is easy. Practically, he does not want to do anything to correct the situation.
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Doesn't want to repeat anything. ... I find it difficult to choose a section. A child from 3 to 7. Upbringing, nutrition, daily routine, visiting a nursery And if you suddenly wake up and want to do something, 5 minutes is enough. Other children participate in many matinees, you can’t force mine.
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Age crisis is an integral part of growing up of every child. Gradually developing, the baby is becoming more and more familiar with the world around him and his mental perception is changing. Do not take the crisis as something negative. In psychology, this term means a transition to something new, a change in the understanding of the world to a more adult one.
Several stages of childhood crises have long been identified - one year, three years, five years, seven and, finally, adolescence. All these age categories are most susceptible to changes in the psyche, and each child goes through these stages in different ways. The task of parents at the same time is to help the child overcome them.
Stages of psychological maturation
The earliest crisis in a child begins at the age of one year. It is at this time that the baby begins to actively explore the world. He is already crawling, walking and wants to learn literally every subject. The child does not yet understand that some things can be dangerous and does not distinguish them from others. He would love to play with a socket or a hot iron.
Parents should be as careful as possible during this period of a child's life. There is no need to physically punish him, because the baby does not understand why there are so many restrictions around. Calmly give the child information in the form of a game.
The best option to prevent interest in dangerous objects is to keep the child out of sight.
At the age of three, the baby is already beginning to identify himself, to understand that he is a separate, independent person.. He wants to do everything himself, including adult work. Do not prevent him from doing this, let the child be an adult for a while.
Ask him to wash the dishes, put away toys. Children of this age are willing and happy to provide any help. Try not to impose a lot of prohibitions, it is better to offer a choice, so the child will feel that he is trusted.
Five years is a very difficult stage. There are several age features of this period:
- Imitation of adults
- Managing the emotionality of behavior
- Interest in new hobbies and interests
- Eagerness to socialize with peers
- Rapid character formation
The child develops very quickly and it is often difficult for him to cope with this.
Symptoms and causes of the crisis
A sharp change in the behavior of the baby, his reaction to the words or actions of adults is the first and most obvious sign of the transition to a new stage of development. At this age, watching parents, the child wants to be as similar to them as possible. Probably everyone remembers how in childhood they wanted to grow up faster. But it does not work out quickly to grow up, and the child begins to get nervous and close in on himself because of this.
The baby's brain is actively developing, he already knows what it is to fantasize. Children are happy to invent imaginary friends for themselves, compose different stories. They successfully copy the behavior of mom and dad, distort their facial expressions, gait, and speech. The age of 5 years is also characterized by a love of eavesdropping and peeping; curiosity in relation to the world around grows in the child.
Upon the onset of a crisis, the child closes, he no longer really wants to share his successes and failures with adults. The baby has different fears, ranging from fear of the dark and ending with the death of loved ones. During this period, children are extremely nervous and insecure, they are embarrassed by strangers, afraid to start communicating with them. They always think that they will not like an adult. Sometimes a child is afraid of the most ordinary things.
The behavior of the baby changes completely in the opposite direction. A previously docile child becomes uncontrollable, he does not obey, he shows aggression. Children can constantly whine, demanding something from their parents, cry, throw uncontrollable tantrums. Irritability, anger very quickly replace a good mood. Experiencing a crisis, children get very tired and many parents do not know what to do to return everything to normal.
You can understand the parents who first encountered a crisis of 5 years in a child. Perplexity, even fear, is the main emotion at first. However, growing up is inevitable, and often parents, not realizing this, believe that the child is simply manipulating them. What needs to be done so that the baby comfortably overcomes a difficult stage?
Provide your child with a calm environment. In families where the parents themselves constantly swear, it will be morally difficult for the child to cope with his own internal problems. Try to bring him to the conversation, to understand what is wrong, what worries him. Many children do not immediately, but make contact and begin to trust their parents with their secrets and fears. Think about how to calm the child and offer a joint solution to the problem.
A few tips on how to behave with a child's tantrums are given by Dr. Komarovsky:
Show attention to the baby, always be interested in him, his success. Enlist him to help around the house, explaining why it is important to keep clean. A calm explanation is the best way to let the child understand what the simplest duties are for. A very good result gives a story about your own successes. Share them with your child, you can also tell about your fears.
Five years is no longer a crumb to be followed everywhere. Give the baby some freedom of action, show him that he can already be independent. If necessary, communicate with him as with an adult, children appreciate this very much. Always support him and do not scold him for mistakes. Having taken on a difficult task and failed, the kid himself will understand that he did not heed the advice in vain.
Actions "forbidden"
Often parents, faced with a crisis in a child, immediately begin to introduce a lot of taboos and restrictions, scream, get upset, take offense. Under no circumstances should this be done. It is difficult in some situations to maintain self-control, but it is still easier for an adult than for a child with little experience. With the correct reaction of adults to whims and tantrums, the crisis will not drag on for a long time.
You don’t need to show your child your own aggression and anger at his actions, get lost and panic during a tantrum. React calmly, sit down and just wait until the child calms down. Having lost a violently tuned spectator, children quickly come to their senses. After that, you can talk together and figure out the cause of the whims.
Remember, if you behave as aggressively as the baby, his behavior will only get worse.
Do not control the child everywhere and everywhere, try to overpower yourself and stop teaching him . A good option would be to come up with a duty together, which from now on will be performed only by a child.. For example, watering flowers. Explain that if they are not watered, they will wither. Buying a pet is also a huge contribution to the development of independence in children.
Children can stop obeying their parents at any age. Growing up is not the same. When overcoming certain stages in development and mastering new skills, the behavior of the baby may change, and often not for the better. There is no definite answer to the question why a 5-year-old child does not obey his parents. General points in the disobedience of children of this age can be identified.
You've probably heard of the one year crisis, the three year crisis, and the teenage crisis. When a five year old starts to rebel, you may begin to wonder why. What is the reason for my baby's disobedience? Psychologists do not talk much about the crisis of five years. But parents want to know what's going on with the child.
All age limits and crises are a rather relative thing. You may not encounter crises at all, you may miss some, or you may collect everything. Turning points and difficult age are associated with the transition of the baby to a new stage in development. He begins to walk, communicate, learn new skills, grow up, demand freedom. For some it happens sooner, for others later.
Five years is the age of change, many children experience a major developmental leap. The kid begins to test the boundaries in a new way, he has already replenished his vocabulary and behavioral stock, and can defend his interests. He has already become aware of himself as a person. There is no longer such a strong bond with my mother. He has his own interests, and he defends them.
Basically, children's disobedience at any age is not associated only with the age of the child. The reasons are usually much deeper. The main reason lies in the wrong behavior of parents with a child. Analyze your behavior, think, maybe something has changed in your attitude towards the child, maybe changes are happening to your life. The child projects your negative mood, your feelings onto himself, and gives it all out in response.
Often, adults themselves begin to perceive a child of 5-6 years old as an adult. Constant care and control is no longer needed, the baby eats on his own, falls asleep, plays and can already walk on his own. Parents finally exhale - the baby has grown. They begin to pay less attention to the child. A simple mechanism works: if a child cannot get the attention of his parents in a good way, he does it in ways available to him. The easiest way to get the attention of parents is to behave badly.
When a five-year-old child asks to play with him or feed him, what answer does he most often hear? That's right, "you're already an adult, come on." Often, mom and dad do not understand that the child still needs attention. Some time will pass, and he will no longer ask you, and now he still needs you very much. Children may not ask for anything, but behave deliberately badly. It becomes clear that a reaction from parents is needed, even if it is negative.
What is the simplest and most correct explanation for a child biting and fighting? It's simple - he needs attention, he needs a response and contact with you.
There is an opposite reason for the child's bad behavior. Parents who sin by overprotection of their child. They do not allow the baby to take a step on their own, anticipate all desires, do everything for him. Just at the age of five, a child can give out a reaction to such behavior of his parents - a protest. So give him the opportunity to do at least part of the work himself. The little man is already ready for a certain degree of independence, he already knows a lot and wants to show it to you. Look for the golden mean. Hyperattention has a bad effect on the development of the baby, as well as a lack of attention.
Children have a sense of justice. If you broke your promise or unfairly punished the child, or fell on him, then the child may well give out his reaction to the offense.
Often a child's bad behavior is associated with inconsistency in the actions of parents, if conflicts occur in the family, or parents have different views on education. Sometimes mom forbids what dad allows. Then the child may not understand how and with whom to behave correctly in each specific situation.
Another reason for a child’s bad behavior is the “good girl syndrome” (it happens, by the way, in boys too). Often we can observe this behavior when a child goes to kindergarten. There he behaves perfectly: he does not conflict, he does not hysteria, he does everything that they say. But at home, he can give out all the negative emotions that have accumulated during the day. Upon returning home, such children have a tantrum. Talk to the teacher, find out how your son or daughter behaves in the garden. If your baby behaves perfectly in the garden, and at home all emotions erupt, then you need to talk to him about this situation.
You should not write off a very simple reason - the health and well-being of the child. The baby may just feel bad. If something hurts you, does your mood change, do you become irritable? Becoming moody when feeling unwell is also normal for a child.
The main reasons for the disobedience of a child at 5 years old:
- Poor health, illness;
- The next stage of growing up and a new skill;
- Desire to get attention from adults;
- Way of self-affirmation, protest against parental control;
- Reaction to injustice on the part of adults.
To understand what to do, you need to determine the reason. Understanding the reasons is not easy, because sometimes you have to admit to some mistakes, omissions and your wrong behavior. It is much easier to attribute bad behavior to age and crisis. Put aside your parental ambitions and find the real reason for this behavior.
Analyze when the changes in the behavior of the baby began, what preceded this, what changes were in your life. Does your child need attention or maybe, on the contrary, this attention is overabundant. Stop for a moment and think about why. Remember your words, promises, conflicts lately. When you discover the true cause, you can work out a way to solve the problem.
The easiest way to understand the reason for the disobedience of the crumbs is to ask him. Your child is already five years old, he can talk, think, he has an excellent memory. He can well explain his behavior. If not, then it's still worth listening to. Pick the right time and talk calmly and in a relaxed atmosphere. Usually, kids tend to chat and open up before bed. Use this magical time to talk to your little one.
Have you identified the cause or causes of bad behavior? Great, now everything is easier. Little attention - pay more. A lot of attention - give freedom. Something hurts - go to the doctor and be treated. Offended by an unfulfilled promise - fulfill. And try not to promise what you can't deliver. You can’t decide with your husband whose parenting style is better - decide already, finally, come to a common decision.
In general, everything is quite simple. The main thing is to want to correct the situation and not to wait for everything to work out, of course. Bad behavior, of course, can go away on its own, but it can also transform in adolescence into such a rebellion and crisis, you will remember five years of a child as a golden time. Do not waste time, do not hope for a resolution of the situation without your participation, change yourself, and the baby will respond to this. Don't be afraid to face the truth. Change has to start with yourself. In parenting, this is a 100% true statement. Children are a mirror, they do not listen to what you say, but repeat your actions.
If the reason for bad behavior is excessive attention, let the child express himself, give him more independence. Wrongly fastened the buttons on the jacket - it's not scary, do not scold. He washed his mug badly - do not wash defiantly right in front of him. Do not be afraid to let go of the child, it still has to be done. Of course, we must act within reason. It is hardly worth sending a five-year-old kid without adults to the store on the next street, but you should not run after him on the playground either.
Try to see a specialist if you can't handle it on your own. A competent psychologist will help to understand why the child absolutely does not want to obey.
A few tips that can help deal with childish disobedience:
- Define the rules of behavior and convey them to the child, explain to him how he should behave in different situations.
- Often a child behaves badly because he does not know how to behave properly. Everything needs to be spoken.
- Before going into conflict with a child, think about whether what you want to achieve from him is so important.
- Show by example. If you do not like to clean the house - do not scold the child for the mess.
- Even when you are in a bad mood, try not to ignore the child. Explain to the baby that you are upset and tell why.
- Look for opportunities to distract the child from the conflict, what to switch attention to.
- Give the child the opportunity to make choices on their own, let them feel the decision-making process.
- Be consistent. If today you allow something, and tomorrow you forbid the same thing, it is hard for a child to understand and come to terms with injustice.
Since the main reason is a lack of attention, parents should devote more time to the crumbs. Not just sitting next to you, buried in your phone or TV. Time spent together should be of high quality. Think about what interests both of you, find common interests. Involve your child in what you are doing. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping - all this can be done together and with pleasure.
Take an interest in what your son or daughter likes. Tell me about your hobbies. Tell us about the games you liked to play as a child, play together. Engage in a common cause that is interesting for the whole family.
Fill your life with traditions and rituals. A child in anticipation of something interesting will not behave badly. Joint tea drinking with board games in the evenings, hiking in the forest, keeping an album with sketches of pleasant events during the day. Show your imagination and support traditions and rituals, do not forget about them.
If the baby suffers from overprotection, come up with independent tasks for him. He can feed the pet or water the flowers. Give him something important to do. Let him feel his importance and maturity. Show him that you trust.
It is important to explain to the child what you expect from him. We often think that this is so clear. But it is very important to explain to the baby what kind of behavior parents expect at this particular moment.
The recommendations of what not to do when a five-year-old child does not obey are quite simple. They are suitable for any age. After all, a child, no matter if he is three years old, five or thirteen, is already a person. What methods of education should not be applied to this little person:
How to improve communication
Establishing psychological contact helps frequent physical contact. Hug your baby more, put him on your lap, kiss, tickle, stroke him. Believe me, boys need tenderness and hugs, no less than girls.
Be patient, be careful. Try not to create conflict situations, do not find fault with trifles. Remember that your 5-year-old child is a person with his own feelings and ideas. He can wish for something, dream of something, be afraid of something.